Page 54

Well . . . I was thinking of MAYBE letting you take me on a date. At some point. It’s still too soon after splitting with Richard, but I’m not ENTIRELY opposed to the idea.

Really?!

Don’t get too excited. Dating me is going to be a brutal, demanding process for you. Think of it like one of those reality TV shows. One wrong move, and you’re eliminated. And if you DO get through the first date, the second will be even harder. The third, worse still. Up for it?

Of course. If it means winning you back, I’d do anything.

I was hoping you’d say that.

That . . . sounds a bit ominous.

It is, but I’ll come back to that later. First, let’s talk about the date(s).

No need for the brackets. I’m confident I’ll smash the first one.

Wow, you’re cocky. I’m not nearly so sure. Anyway, here’s the deal. Back when I was a student, we never did the dating part of relationships, only the sex part. Now I want to do the exact opposite.

Which means . . .

Fine dining, spontaneous getaways to exciting places, surprise romantic gestures. You’ll be the perfect gentleman the entire time and will see to my every need. After, say, six months of impeccable behaviour, I MIGHT let you kiss me. On the cheek. Just a quick peck.

Okay. How long till I get to kiss you on the lips?

Hmm, another six months after that.

Jeez. And how long until we get to do other things?

Other things? Whatever do you mean? *smiling-face-with-halo emoji*

You know . . .

Oh, THAT stuff? That’s YEARS away.

Ha! You’ll never be able to resist me that long. I reckon you’ll be stripping my clothes off me a few dates in.

Ah, but this is where my genius plan comes into play.

Care to explain?

Sure. So, over the course of YEARS, you will treat me as a lady, satisfying my every whim, while receiving, in return, no sexual rewards whatsoever. Not even a peek at my cleavage—I intend to start dressing VERY modestly.

Right . . .

But when it comes to YOU, things are completely flipped.

And that means?

I won’t treat you like a gentleman. Nah, I’ll be pretty rude to you and will look at you with mild disdain the entire time—while leaving you to pick up all the bills, of course. But here’s my favourite bit. Whenever I ask you for a dick pic, you have five minutes to send one over. Fail to do so before the deadline and we’re done.

LOL!

?

You are joking, right?

Lewis, the first time you got naked in front of me, I made you put on a glow-in-the-dark condom. Does this sound like a joke to you? Or does it sound EXACTLY like the sort of thing you’d expect me to say?

Shit, the second one. But really?