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Chapter

Thirty-Eight

Allegra

Lev speeds the car down the highway as the traffic clears. I keep my gaze ahead, slumped against the seat. Even if I wanted to pretend I was fine, the exhaustion overpowering my body would give me away. Lev knows I haven’t been sleeping well over the last few nights.

We’re on our way to the cemetery. I told him that I always go to visit my sister’s grave two weeks before my birthday. It’s the truth. I do.

I see her two weeks before because going on our actual birthday would be too hard. Two weeks gives me time to process. Process that my twin sister is no longer alive and every birthday from the day she died will be celebrated on my own.

Mama usually goes with me, but today she had to attend her appointment with her doctor. It was important that she went because her doctor is going to be away, and we won’t be able to get another appointment before we leave.

Mama won’t be seeing that doctor again, either. She wanted to get enough medication to last the journey.

I could have waited until tomorrow to see Gabrielle, so Mama and I could keep up our tradition, but I wanted to get the visit out of the way today.

I wanted the privacy without Mama.

This trip will be the most emotional because it will be the last.

Not just an early birthday visit, but goodbye.

When Mama and I go to Buenos Aires, I’ll never be able to visit Gabrielle’s grave again. It may be years before I can return to New York, if at all.

That saddens me more than I could ever explain to anyone. But there are bigger things to worry about. Like the fact that I could very well expose myself before I even get the chance to leave on Friday. In two days’ time.

Two days.

I’m a nervous wreck again.

So far, I’ve allowed Lev to believe the nightmares are the only reason I’m exhausted.

He’s been supportive, but I know he thinks it’s odd that I called my own name in my sleep. Anyone would.

I had another night terror the other night. That makes twice in the same week.

They’re happening because I’m leaving. That’s the only big change that’s happened recently.

When I told Mama about the nightmare, her solution was to try not to worry about it. She encouraged me to get sleep during the day so that the nightmares wouldn’t take me at night. That was how we stopped them before.

I followed her advice, but it hasn’t worked, not even a little bit. What’s worked is not sleeping. But there’s only so much a human can take without sleep.

I feel Lev’s eyes on me, but I purposely avert my gaze.

I keep remembering Mama’s warning. Her words of wisdom I can’t ignore.

Lev has changed, but he’s made no promises or grand gestures to make me think I’m anything other than a pawn.

He’s here now, driving me to the cemetery. I never expected him to offer to accompany me, giving up another day of work to spend time with me. I thought he would send one of his guards. I was so surprised when he told me he was going.

While it’s nice of him, there are things between us that won’t go away just because we don’t talk about them. I still don’t even really know him.

Not even basic things like his favorite color, favorite meal, favorite movie.

Does he even watch movies?

Does it matter? Those things are highly irrelevant now.