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If only the ground would open and swallow him up. His behavior had been horrible. As horrible as this charming but shallow woman who watched him with a quizzical expression on her face, attempting to make sense of the familial bond he shared with his child.
It had been a horrible mistake when he had walked away from Jane. He now knew he had fallen in love with her that night in the library, and fear had driven him to run from her. All the rest had been excuses he could have overcome. But fear had driven him to run. He had been afraid to love, as Tatiana had observed. Afraid to love and lose again, as he had with Natalya.
Barclay could not fathom his behavior. He had uncovered a deep fondness for a woman for the second time in his life, and he had thrown it away, giving in to his fear.
Even now, Jane could be agreeing to marry a disloyal little worm because Barclay had hurt her by denying their closeness. Which was his own fault, and there was nothing he could do to address it until he found Tatiana.
“Mrs. Gordon, I am afraid I must leave you to find my daughter. Who will be staying at my side where she belongs for as long as she so desires.”
Her face fell. “I… see.”
He brushed any feelings of culpability aside. Mrs. Gordon had a different vision of the future than himself, and there was nothing to be done about it. If there was any possibility of making matters right with Jane, he would, but the widow was not an option now that he knew her philosophy about the rearing of children. Considering he was a single father, he should have been more assiduous in his assessment of her as a prospective match.
Barclay bowed, having said everything he wanted to say, and turned to walk away. He had wasted enough time. He needed to find the earl to request his help in the search.
* * *
Jane raced through the family wing, checking each bedroom before climbing the stairs at the end of the hall. Reaching the nursery, she took a moment to catch her breath before stepping inside. Several children greeted her eagerly, clamoring to tell their stories of the day, their small hands tugging at her skirts to gain her attention.
Ethan held up his arms, his little face beaming with delight. Jane scooped him up, settling him on her hip as she made her way around the nursery. She marveled at how much her young cousin had grown; carrying him now was not as easy as it had been even a year earlier. His weight rested solidly against her side, and she hugged him closer, comforted by his innocent affection.
Only when he became distracted by a game that the other children had started did Jane finally set him down. He wobbled a bit before regaining his balance, then turned back to her with a grin. “You will meet me later for chess, yes?” he asked, eyes wide with expectation.
Jane smiled. “Of course. I promise.”
After extracting her word, Ethan dashed off to join his friends, and Jane left the family wing to head up to the attic level. She searched through the maze of storage rooms filled with old furniture, trunks of forgotten clothes, and dusty toys. Her voice rang out as she called for Tatiana, the sound swallowed up by the thick air and stacks of belongings. But there was no reply.
Her steps grew quicker as she weaved through the clutter, dust motes swirling in the sunlight streaming through the small, grimy windows. Tatiana was nowhere to be found.
It was now midday, which meant the child had been missing for some hours, and Jane’s anxiety twisted tighter with each passing minute. She descended the stairs, the ache in her head pulsing with her mounting worry. Reaching the landing outside the library, she paused, pressing her fingers to her temples. Where could the girl be?
Her mind drifted back to their last conversation. Tatiana had wanted her to read Aladdin, and Jane had vaguely agreed to do so once she was feeling better. Guilt prickled at her memory. She had only promised because it had seemed like the right thing to say—deep down, she had intended to avoid it, unwilling to endure Barclay’s presence. But the little girl had been so excited at the idea.
Drat this ache in her head. It had improved, but it still dulled her thoughts. Tatiana had mentioned something about Aladdin before that, but Jane could not think what it was. Something that could be a clue to where the girl had gone, if only Jane could remember it.
* * *
Barclay had informed Richard of the situation, who called on Radcliffe, his butler, to form a search party using the grooms and footmen. The duke himself had collected two gentlemen they thought could be useful, Ridley and Trafford, and they had gone to saddle their horses to search farther afield while the earl remained at the house to supervise the search parties.
Still worried but feeling infinitesimally better that the men were to search all the waterways as a top priority, he found Aurora in a drawing room to apprise her of what was happening. His mother was drawn with worry, sipping on tea and attempting to still her shaking hands.
“This is my fault,” she exclaimed.
“Why would you say that?” Barclay had taken a moment to sit with his mother while he tried to think of places to look. He had a nagging sensation that he knew where Tatiana would have gone based on something she had said. Realizing he had not eaten, he quickly downed some dainty biscuits and a cup of tea to help him collect his thoughts back together. Perhaps it would come to him if he got some food in his body.
“I should have woken up earlier.”
“Tatiana has never done this before, so it would have made no sense for you to do so.”
Aurora’s gaze dropped to her hands, where she was twisting her fingers together in her agitation. “I sensed something was wrong.”
“With Tatiana?”
His mother shot him a perplexed glance. “Yes, with Tatiana. Who else?”
Barclay cleared his throat, nervous he had revealed too much. “What about her?”
“She was gloomy last night, talking about her mother and how, if she were here, she would settle this muddle. I did my best to cheer her up, but she seemed fixated on something to do with you and Mrs. Gordon.”
