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“Not gonna argue with that.” A wedge lodges in my chest and rises upward. “I’m glad you found out none of what your brother said was true.”
“It should have come from you,” she says softly.
I lift my gaze to hers and nod. “I … I thought that letting you believe what he said would make it easier for you, but it turns out that was a load of bullshit I fed myself.”
Her head tilts to one side. “Why?”
“Because I’m a coward. I was trying to avoid the tough stuff. Took what I thought was the easy way out. Turns out it wasn’t.” I inhale a steadying lungful of air. “The worst of it is I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I did anyway, and for that I’m really, really sorry.”
“I know why you do what you do.”
Confusion creases my forehead.
She makes a sweeping gesture around the salon. “This, the kids.”
“What is it you think you know?” My challenge may sound cool, but my greasy insides slither. If she knows the truth, she must hate me. I brace myself for her telling me how much.
“You don’t fool me, Colby. I see you—even before I had a nice long, talk with your sister.”
Panic rises inside me. “She t-told you about the accident? About what I did?”
Jackie shakes her head. “She thought you should be the one to do that. Why didn’t you trust me with the truth?” she repeats.
I choke down the lump in my throat. “I didn’t want to lose you.”
“So you pushed me away and lost me anyway.” Jackie leans in, her nose inches from mine. “You took away my choice, Colby.”
“Sounds pretty bad when you put it like that.”
Her eyes glitter, her expression fierce. “I do put it like that. No one gets to decide what I can and can’t handle. Not anymore. Now, are you going to tell me what happened when you were eight?”
Chapter 49
Blustery Agitation
Colby
Jackie covers my hand with her small one. “Colby, I care about you. If we’re going to see how far we can take this thing between us, I need to understand.”
“Are you saying you want to be with me?” I jab my free thumb against my chest in disbelief.
“Yes.”
That simple word sends a bolt of electricity through me. Hope rises, then does a nosedive when reality gives it a good shake.
“You won’t want to be once you know.”
“How about we let me decide for myself?” She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “You might be surprised.”
Long moments of silence pass. The boat rocks gently, water lapping at its hull. Dock lines creak, and the rigging taps overhead. The refrigerator hums in the background. The smell of briny water is heavy in the air. Jackie’s eyes don’t leave mine.
I want this woman. Not only in my bed, but in my life. Every perfect and imperfect piece. All of her. Forever. Exactly when everything changed, I can’t say. Jackie is like a gentle breeze that drifts in so softly you don’t notice at first. Then it’s ruffling the sails and carrying you someplace that feels like home. With her, I catch glimpses of the man I can become. The man I want to become. A whole man. If I have any chance of transforming into a better version of myself, it’s with her. And if I have to fight myself for her, for us, I’m doing it. She might decide I’m not worth it once I tell her everything, but if I don’t, she’s gone anyway.
I’ve got nothing left to lose and everything to gain.
“It was winter,” I begin, “and I loved winter because I got to play pond hockey every day. Didn’t matter if it was sunny out or if we were in the middle of a blizzard. I was eight, and Lindsey was four. Dad was at work, and Mom had to go next door for something. She told me I couldn’t play with my friends unless I brought my sister with me to the pond.”
Lifting my mug to my lips, I take a long sip and let the hot liquid burn a path to my roiling stomach. I don’t want the tea; I simply want to buy time before I venture deeper into my hurt locker. I take my time setting it back down while Jackie watches, her face open.
