Page 149

Fair. I rub my forehead. Julian's voice softens. "Maddy, what's going on?"

"Nothing." The word comes automatically. I hate it as soon as I say it. He waits. I close my eyes. "I don't know yet."

"That's not nothing."

"No."

Silence settles between us. Julian doesn't fill it. That's why he's my best friend. Eventually he says, "Do you still want this?"

I open my eyes. The question hurts more than it should. "Yes." Because I do. I want the restaurant. I want the expansion. I want the things I worked for. But the answer no longer feels complete. "I just need to figure out what it looks like now."

"Now?"

I stare at the ceiling. "Things have changed."

"In Oakridge."

"Yes."

"Martinez?"

I sit up. "Julian."

"I'm asking."

"And I'm not discussing Javier like he's a business variable."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." I soften my voice. "I know."

He exhales. "I don't want you to wake up six months from now and realize you walked away from something you love because everything there feels good right now."

The words sting. Not because he's wrong. Because I don't know if he's right. "And I don't want to wake up six months from now and realize I went back because it was easier than admitting I wanted something different."

Julian is quiet. There it is. The thing I haven't said aloud. Not even to myself. Something different. Not necessarily instead. Maybe that's what I've been getting wrong. I've been looking at two lives like one of them has to disappear.

"What are you saying?" Julian asks.

"I don't know."

"Maddy."

"I really don't." I stand and walk to the window. Mom's porch light glows below. Across the street, someone is walking a dog. Oakridge settles early. New York never does. I used to love that. I still do. "I need a little more time."

"We have until Friday."

"I know."

"I can ask for the weekend."

I turn from the window. "You think he'll give it to us?"

"I think he might if I make myself annoying enough."

"That shouldn't be difficult."

"There she is."