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“Are you okay?” Dillon asks, filling in the space next to me that opens when Zane moves away to scuffle with Ian.

I look up at Dillon and blink through the haze. Has he always been so ungodly hot?

“I wanna lick you,” I say, and he frowns, moving closer.

“What?”

“I said, is this your first time?”

He knocks me gently under the chin, grinning. “I'm old, remember? I've been drunk before.”

“But in a gay club?” I quirk a brow and bite my lip when he leans over on the bartop to put us at face level. Some non-tequila-drenched part of my brain knows it's so he can hear me, but right now I'm operating on dopamine and alcohol only. No rational thoughts allowed.

“A club is a club.” He smirks, and then his thumb is rubbing under my eye. “Though, there may be more glitter here.” He wipes some of the said glitter off on his arm.

I'm covered in it. I may or may not resemble a disco ball.

“Did you get everything you wanted today?” He asks, and I swear we're closer. I brace my hands against the bar to keep myself steady.

“Almost.”

He quirks a brow and puffs out a laugh when I grab one of his hands and tug. “Come on, Dilly. Dance with me.”

He shakes his head, baseball cap backwards and driving me fucking crazy. He looks good enough to eat, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. I've seen the looks he's been getting all night.

And maybe I can't have him. Maybe all I'll get is one song. One dance. One string of melodies to pretend that someone like Dillon could like someone like me. To sway on the dance floor and stake my fake claim on him.

The little ugly duckling.

I may have grown up. I may not be as scrawny. May not be going through an acne nightmare anymore. I may have grown into myself. But sometimes, standing next to him, I still feel like that younger version of myself. The insecure, unsure version that I've fought hard to forget.

The tequila helps.

And it's my damn birthday. I just want one moment to play pretend.

It's not like I'm asking him to kiss me.

That would be crazy.

Jesse bites into a protein bar, watching me pace my living room with Eleanor in my arms.

“Sooo,” he draws out after several minutes of silence after the video call connects. “I think I'm going to check out Italy next, I've been dreaming of the architecture and…”

“I kissed Dillon,” I shout loudly, startling Eleanor enough that she hisses at me. I set her down with shaking hands and start pacing again.

“Yeah, you said it was a million years ago.” Jesse takes another bite of his bar but pauses with it on his lips. “Wait, holy fuck.”

“Shut up. Shut up, right now.”

“You mean you kissed Dill again?”

“Of course not. Because that would have been such a stupid, stupid thing to do. And I don't ever do stupid things. I'm the most level-headed, calm, cool, and collected…” My hands grasp onto an imaginary Dillon. “I just want to squeeze him. You know? Like, squeeze him so hard and just…” I strangle the air and shake. Jesse coughs loudly.

“Is this…sexual squeezing right now, or homicidal? Cause I'm cool with a lot, man. But you're my brother, and…”

“Do you know what he said to me?”

Jesse cringes, then sighs. “I feel like it's not going to be as innocent as him missing you this time?”