Page 35

The house is too quiet when she’s not here. Too hollow feeling. I don’t need her crying to wake me up; her absence is loud enough.

I flick on the hallway light on my way to the kitchen, fill a glass with water, and shuffle my way through the dark living room. I sip the cool liquid after falling onto the couch cushion and prop my feet up on the coffee table.

I cringe when the light of my phone assaults my eyes, but I swipe my passcode in and pull up the message app anyway.

Nothing.

Just like I figured there would be. Nothing.

When Penny and Sabrina lived here, it was easier to pretend. All my time was filled with a newborn and a girlfriend I was desperately trying to do right by. I wanted to make Sabrina happy and was absolutely suffocated by the prospect of creating an environment that was hostile and bitter, like Morgan and I had growing up.

I bought her flowers on Fridays and cooked breakfast on Saturdays. I woke up with Penny most nights and did my share of the house chores. I left her sticky notes on the mirror, reminding her of how beautiful she is when she was struggling postpartum, and always kissed her forehead before I left for work.

I lived to please her. To be the best dad. To be an encouraging brother. To be a supportive friend. To run a successful business.

I failed Sabrina because I couldn’t love her the way she deserved, and she called me out on it.

I failed to give Penelope a happy home with both parents at just nine months old.

I encouraged Morgan to work on a pointless relationship.

I supported Warren in everything, and he still broke Morgan’s heart. And was scared to be honest with me about his struggles.

My business is just about the only thing I have going right, but…

Gay and leaving…

I always knew my line of work could and likely would have me traveling for jobs. Stuff needs to be built all over the place. Remodels need to happen, and Amanda scouted me some really great opportunities. It’s what I always wanted, and only so much can happen in a small community.

But the idea of missing out on my three nights a week with Penny is fucking with my head. Sabrina says we’ll figure it out. I won’t be gone forever, and that’s true. But I’ll leave again. And again. I’ll disrupt Penny’s routine, and what will she think when she doesn’t see me on the usual days? I rub my chest and groan, clicking on the last text thread.

I’m sorry you didn’t hear it from me first

That was sent after I left the Bennets’ house earlier. Emery was wine drunk and ignoring me by the end of dinner. I snuck out when they started having a heated debate over Girl Scout cookies and managed to get all the way home before caving and texting him.

I would have taken a bratty response. I would have loved an image of him flipping me off to fill the screen or a string of nonsense emojis. Nothing is borderline fucking painful. I should be used to his silence by now.

He ignored me and avoided me for over two years. But it was easier to let him then. It was easier because I needed to be the perfect boyfriend and the perfect dad. The perfect brother. Perfect friend.

I couldn’t be those things if I took what I wanted.

But I’m not those things now, am I?

‘Cause I already fucked it all up.

are you awake?

I hit send and wait. And wait. It takes three long-ass minutes for the message to change to Read and three more before the text bubbles start bouncing at the bottom of the screen. I sit up and watch them start and stop multiple times before the phone vibrates with a response.

Baby B: What is this? You’re gay now so you think you can booty call me at 3 in the morning? Find a different queer.

Emerson

The taste of Moscato still lingers on my tongue, and I hiccup, grimacing. I should have brushed my teeth first. Zane dropped me off at home a little while ago. Safe to say resurrection day was thoroughly enjoyed. At least by me and the wine.

I had just changed into my pajamas when my phone beeped.

I hiccup again and pause to run my palm over the chilled wooden planks under me. How are they so smooth? Not a single sliver waiting to impale my palm or anything.