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I glance to my phone which automatically goes into do-not-disturb mode after ten. “I was sleeping!”

He inhales, licks his lips, and combs his fingers through his short hair. He’s acting almost... awkward. “It couldn’t wait, okay? I hate how our conversation ended.”

I swallow and cross my arms on my chest, only now realizing I’m wearing his hoodie, and no rushing around to take it off can fix the fact that he must have noticed. It’s so massive it hangs down to my thighs.

“What was there left to say?” I mumble, deflated. Being around him feels like ripping the stitches off my broken heart.

Vex swallows and toes off his sneakers before dropping his jacket to the floor. I’m not ready for a guest, and the impossibility of feeling safe from intrusion in my dorm room makes me choke up. But at the same time, a part of me is glad he’s here and eager for any excuses he might provide. I miss him so much.

“I want to explain my decisions,” Vex says, meeting my gaze.

I take a deep breath and point to the bed because my feet are cold. Or it’s just an excuse to cuddle up to him in bed. Whichever it is, I sit on the mattress with my back against the wall.

Vex seems almost hesitant when he approaches, but by the time the main lamp dies, replaced with a smaller reading light, he ends up sitting next to me with his legs tucked under my blanket. The silence stretching between us is like a wall, and I don’t trust myself to take a jab at it first, sweating into the soft hoodie I’ve slept in since my birthday.

I’m choking up on the desire to cry or shout when he finally speaks.

“I’ve... not acted the way I should. I’m sorry.”

“So it’s just about your guilt? Like, you need to be forgiven to move on?” I ask bitterly, but I don’t pull away when our feet touch under the comforter.

“No,” Vex snaps and grabs my hand in a tight grip. He swallows, looking at me from up close as he speaks. “I really like you, Aaron. You’re the best person I dated, and I hate myself for hurting you. Earlier today, you were right. I should have stood by you and taken responsibility instead of thinking about myself. I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t trying to out you. I was just trying to find a solution,” I say quietly, squeezing his fingers. “I understood that you didn’t want to say you’re gay, for the sake of your career or whatever, but I thought we were more. At least in private.”

He pulls my hand to his chest, holding it almost too hard. “We are more. I guess... I just didn’t want to admit it, because that would mean I’d have to make choices I didn’t want to make, and in the moment it seemed easier to lie. To you. And to myself,” he admits in a soft voice.

I stop breathing, hypnotized by his words. I want to believe him. “What are you saying?”

Vex bites his lip and leans in, resting his head on my shoulder. “That I’d love to be with you. We’re such a good fit. I know you see that too. But I’m really fucking scared of the consequences. Maybe it does make me a coward, but I feel like I was given this chance to make it big... as big as I can at least, and never again worry for my future. I’m afraid what would happen if the brands I work with, and my fans turned on me.”

A shiver goes through my entire body. I want him back so badly. I sigh and stroke his head. “You’re still hot, cool, and talented. How bad could it get? And I’m not trying to talk you into being out, it’s a hard choice, I know, but lots of people would still surely stick by your side. I thought that sex tape would be the end of me, or that I’d get expelled. Most people don’t give a shit.”

He smiles and pulls me in with his arm. The warmth of his body is achingly familiar, and I relax into it as he goes on.

“I’ll tell you something I haven’t told anyone, okay? The night I broke into that house and was busted, I wasn’t just doing it for fun. It was winter, and I needed to run from my dad’s place, because his girlfriend was trying to literally get rid of me by adding coolant to a drink I was about to have. I grabbed a few things and left. The only reason I broke into that mansion was because their mailbox was full, and I needed a warm place to stay.”

I kiss his jaw, so sorry for him I wish to wrap him in several comforters so he’s never cold again. The story he’s always told of this break-in was much more casual and with an undertone of I-did-it-‘cause-I-felt-like-it.

Vex leans into me, relaxing. “I’m not saying I’m some innocent victim. That might have been the one time I was caught, but I have worked with my Dad, taking people’s stuff. It might not have been what I wanted but I didn’t have any other options, and he prodded me to join him. Trouble started when I got better at tattooing, and I was trying to pull out of crime. I wanted to do art, I wanted to do something with my life, not break into people’s homes and eventually end up in prison. And then, I was arrested, and the world saw my mugshot, my ink, the CCTV footage, and once the internet got wind of it, it became this wave I could ride.

“For the first time in my life, I had enough money to not only feel comfortable but also save. It was inconceivable at the time, and I didn’t want to lose out on whatever was left of my fifteen minutes of fame. I chose to milk it. And after the trouble I went through with my ex, I decided not to date anyone. It seemed like too much of a risk, and I never wanted to be homeless again.”

I stroke Vex’s arm, just listening. I know I’ll probably never understand what he went through, but I get it a lot more now. I can see that he might have panicked back in jail. Even if he didn’t do the right thing by me at the time, it’s not like I ever only make good life choices.

“It makes sense to use what you can,” I say, thinking of the chains my parents have around my neck. “I’m so sorry you went through all that.”

He rubs his eyes before meeting my gaze in the warm glow of the lamp. “I’m sorry I was a disappointment. Sorry about forgetting your birthday. I swear I would never do any of those things if I was your boyfriend for real.”

It’s like an arrow shot through my heart. “Only that you don’t want to be. You made that clear back in jail. Even if you hadn’t been so rude about it, you said what you meant. I can see why it’s important to you, but… I love you,” I whisper. “I can’t do it. I can’t just be a friend with benefits on the down-low.”

He squeezes me with his arm and presses a kiss to my forehead, breathing fast so close to my ear. “You’re more than that and always were. Look... what if we could be a couple... a real couple, but in secret, so it doesn’t affect my work or your trust fund?”

I glance up at him and lean into the hug, wrapping my arms around him. I want it. I want it so much. I also want to be recognized as his and to hang out with our friends in public, but those things don’t matter as much as the two of us being together.

“It would have to be stricter than before. No photos on social media, no coffee dates. My parents freaked out about the arrest, and they’re yanking my trust fund away with more conditions. One of them is not seeing you anymore. But I want to,” I add. “Just you and me. Are you willing to make it work?” I put all my hopes in that question, meeting into his piercing blue eyes. All that matters to me is that he has real feelings for me, and that I’m not just some convenient fuck. It heals my wounds more than I’m willing to admit.

His face relaxes, and it’s as if he’s been given a new chance at life. His gaze is sparkling when he looks at me. “Yes. I promise to not disappoint you again. It’ll be only us and our close friends, but we’ll be honest with each other this time,” he says, kissing my cheek while he rocks me in his arms.