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“What happened? Why didn’t you tell me about Shane?”

He runs his fingers through his hair, gripping too tightly.

“Okay, stop. You don’t have to talk right now,” I tell him, grabbing his arm and pushing him into a seat. As much as I want answers, I can’t stand seeing him like this. He needs to calm down.

When Theo’s family arrives, Robbie comes back, sticking close to Isla. He refuses to look in my direction, and I hate it. I pull my phone out as a distraction and finally open the string of notifications I’ve been ignoring for the past three weeks.

A flood of hookup app notifications come through, and I swallow around a lump in my throat. The visual reminder of what I was putting myself through before I came to the Isle of Skye makes me feel sick.

I glance over at Robbie, and my stomach flips. Next to him, Richard has his hand in Isla’s hair, pulling her towards him to kiss her on the forehead. Theo’s parents and his uncle Luke are huddled together, and Jake and Bailey are hugging off to the side, rocking gently. But Robbie’s there, alone, staring at me with puppy-dog eyes. I feel like it’s my responsibility to comfort him.

Why?

Because we fucked a couple of times?

My chest tightens, and I can’t take a full breath as I look away from him back to my phone.

I need to get off this fucking island.

NOAH

It’s been a long fucking week. Theo’s been out of hospital for a few days now, and Bailey’s refusing to leave his side. So, Jake and I are leaving him here and going home tomorrow, finally.

I’ve been sleeping in Robbie’s spare room since everything went to shit, and he’s fully left me alone. I wake up in the morning to find he’s already gone to work, and he’s started taking a change of clothes with him so he can go straight to the gym instead of coming back here after. By the time he gets home, I’ve locked myself upstairs because the thought of seeing him makes me anxious as fuck.

I think it’s guilt—no. I know it’s guilt.

My phone is hot and heavy in my hand as I stare at the notifications again. I should have deleted the app months ago. It was a stupid discovery I made when I was running on empty from insomnia. I’d stopped eating properly; couldn’t shower or brush my teeth. Couldn’t close my eyes without seeing my mum and brother in that car wreck. I needed something to make me sleep, but I’d already tried alcohol, which ended up with me in hospital. After that, I’d been too scared to even attempt drugs. Not even sleeping pills. So, I ended up scrolling a gay dating app on my phone late at night while Bailey was fast asleep.

With little thought going through my head, and fuelled by impulsivity, I agreed to meet up with a stranger. I went straight to his house, and after an awkward half hour, we finally got into it. I thought maybe the release would help me sleep, but nothing was happening. My body was dormant.

I was so angry and frustrated that in the end I turned to pain. I goaded the man into being rough. Laughed at him when he tried, telling him it wasn’t good enough even when it felt like my skin had been flayed from the bone. Eventually I became a bundle of raw nerves, and I finally reached some kind of nirvana. It was addictive.

It isn’t like that with Robbie. With him, everything’s bursts of colour and warmth. It’s addictive in a completely different way, and it’s terrifying. I feel guilty because I know Robbie could fix all the bad inside me, but I don’t want fixing. If he knew what I’d done with those other men, he’d be repulsed by me. He’d never want to see me again, so why wait?

“Hey.” I jump as Robbie pokes his head into the spare room. “You’re going to see Bailey at the pub today?”

I stand up and turn away from him, pretending to make the bed while swiping my eyes. “I am, yeah.”

“I can give you a lift. I’m going to see Theo.”

Say no.

Say you can walk.

My mouth moves without my permission. “Okay.”

So, Bailey is staying on the Isle of Skye … forever.

“What about you? Are you still going home?” he asks me.

I stir my tonic and lime, frowning. “Well, yeah, I live there, where else am I going to go? I’m heading back with Jake tomorrow.”

“Will you be alright? You know, without⁠—”

“I’ll be fine.” I cut him off before he can bring up our sleeping arrangements. I’m not a child. I’ve managed just fine sleeping on my own for the past few days. It’s easier to share a bed with Bailey, sure, but I would never make him feel bad about wanting to move in with Theo.

“Since Jake is setting up an office here, why don’t you just stay, too?”