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“Maybe you need to talk about it,” I countered.
“I already went over this with the damn shrink when I got back,” she said hotly. “I’m fine.”
If there was one thing I’d learned about women, it was that ‘fine’ was never fine.
“You know what I think? I think whatever happened in Ukraine, whatever happened when you got shot, is what’s coming between us now. Something happened to bring it all back up, didn’t it?”
Her eyes widened, telling me that my guess was a good one.
“I’ve spent a lot of time in war zones, and it changes you. Hardens you. You see the worst in humanity. You convince yourself that the only way to protect yourself from the memories is to wall them off. I did the same thing...until you came back and made me realize I needed to find my enthusiasm for life again.”
Clara shot out of her chair like it was electrified. “I don’t need to find my enthusiasm for life. Not when...”
She paused, her eyes going glassy like she was having a flashback.
“Not when what?” I pressed.
“Not when the boy I killed is laying in an unmarked grave somewhere.”
My heart squeezed painfully in my chest. Getting up from my chair, I walked over to Clara, pulling her into my arms. She stood there stiffly as I hugged her.
“I took an oath when I became a doctor,” she said softly. “To do no harm. Then I shot a man in cold blood.”
“Was it?”
Her gaze rose to mine. “Was it what?”
“Was it really in cold blood? You shot someone for the hell of it? Without emotion?”
She shook her head.
“Was it self-defense?” I guessed.
“Partly. And partly to save some kids. He wanted to...take them. He had a gun pointed at my head and when I heard him cock the hammer, I reacted instinctively and shot him first.”
A shudder moved through her body. It made me want to dig up that kid and kill him myself.
“Sounds like he deserved to be shot.”
“No one deserves to be shot,” she said fiercely. “He was barely a kid himself. He was following orders.”
“He still had a choice. Even as a soldier, you have a choice. Obey orders or accept the consequences.”
When she didn’t respond I asked, “Was he the same guy who shot your arm?”
“I don’t know. There was a lot of crossfire between the soldiers and a couple of other civilians.”
I pulled her closer and this time she relaxed against me, laying her head against my shoulder. I rubbed circles on her back with one hand.
“What happened after?”
“The remaining soldiers ran away. After I knew the kids were safe, I tried to administer first aid, but it was too late. Doctors in Disasters demobilized me after that, pending an investigation.”
“What’s to investigate? You were in a war zone. You did what you had to do.”
“My superiors wanted to do everything by the book. Have the Ukrainian authorities conduct an investigation, so no one would say that Doctors in Disasters was helping with the war instead of providing humanitarian relief. The organization is neutral in all conflicts.”
“What was the result of the investigation?” I asked.
