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From certain angles, it looks less like a home and more like the setting of a modern Beauty and the Beast tale. Which is fitting, considering I’m apparently the beast.

And now the universe has dropped a very famous, very grumpy princess into my castle.

I keep walking toward the kitchen, thinking about coffee, a shower, and another day of trying to write a fucking song.

Then I spot her bodyguard.

Mika stands by the kitchen windows, coffee in one hand and an old newspaper in the other, looking entirely too comfortable.

Then I see Artemis.

And stop walking.

What the fuck?

She looks ridiculous.

She’s sitting in a glass chair wearing white satin pajamas and matching furry snow boots. Gold eye patches sit beneath her eyes, and some kind of glittery face mask covers half her face. Her platinum-blonde hair is pulled into a perfect ponytail, not a strand out of place.

And she isn’t wearing makeup.

She doesn’t look like an international icon, an heiress, or an Olympic champion right now. She looks like a very wealthy marshmallow personally offended by, well, everything.

She looks…human. Just an annoyed young woman having a spectacularly terrible morning.

“You could try being positive. Want me to fetch your positive-affirmations book?” Her bodyguard says.

But Artemis doesn’t move, blink or react.

A corpse would show more enthusiasm.

Mika sighs.

“Oh, come on. You’re trapped in a gorgeous mansion. It could be worse. We could be stuck in Stevie’s apartment during one of her positive-warrior meetings.”

That sounds horrible. I’d rather have a cactus shoved up my ass than endure that type of meeting.

“You have snow. You love snow, remember?”

Nothing.

“Mrs. Han has prepared delicious food.”

Nothing.

“What about the comfortable room that’s bigger than my apartment, by the way.”

Nothing.

“And a giant bathtub where you can soak in all that smelly shit you enjoy so much.”

Still nothing.

Artemis’s ability to ignore people is impressive.

Finally, Mika throws up her free hand. “You know, most people would consider this a vacation, Artemis.”

A long pause.