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It isn’t a normal cry. It’s not even the choked sobs he made when Marco was on life support. It’s the sound of an animal having its chest cracked open while it’s still awake. I have never heard him sound like that before.
“Aniki… ANIKI!”
Dimitri is on the floor with him, trying to keep Rei from throwing his body against the red doors of the trauma bay.
“Rei, stop—look at me—”
And I’m just sitting here.
I can’t breathe. There is literally no air in this fucking corridor. The atmosphere has turned to lead, pressing down on my temples until the buzzing in my ears drowns out Rei’s screams, drowns out the entire universe.
I stand up.
My knees shake violently, but I force my boots to move.
Nobody stops me. Dimitri is busy with Rei. Marco is there too, trying to comfort him. I slip past the nurses’ station and push through the first door I see.
It’s an empty consultation room.
I shut the door, but before the latch can click, a palm catches the frame.
Alexei steps inside.
“What?” I spit out, my voice cracking like dry wood. “What, Alexei? Are you going to lecture me now? Tell me this is my karma? Tell me this is what I get for fucking with your tests?”
Alexei stands there with his hands dropped at his sides. “Ilya,” he says quietly. “I would never do that.”
“Then what are you doing in here?!” I snap, my throat burning. “Go hold your boyfriend. Go help Rei. Don’t look at me!”
He takes a step closer, like he’s approaching something wild and cornered that might bite.
“He will be okay,” Alexei says.
The words are stiff. He sounds like a machine reading off a script, because Alexei doesn’t do comfort. He doesn’t understand feelings, nor does he know how to navigate human emotion, but he’s standing there anyway, trying to arrange his stony face into something soft.
“He will be okay?” I repeat, shaking my head. “You don’t know that. He had two holes in him, and his lips were blue, and he wasn’t breathing!”
“He—”
“You know how many times I hurt him?” I cut him off. “I’m such a piece of shit.”
Alexei shakes his head. “You are not.”
“I am!” I scream, the volume ripping through my throat, but I don’t care if the whole hospital hears me. “I fucking am! That man… he has been more gentle with me than anyone in my entire goddamn life! He took care of me. He made sure I ate. He apologized when he crossed a line, he actually apologized to me, Alexei! He gave me an entire room full of paintings because he couldn’t stand being away from me!”
Tears are streaming down my face now, soaking the collar of my torn shirt.
“He spoiled me,” I sob, the words coming apart in my mouth as my chest seizes around another breath. “He protected me. He loved me. He fucking loved me, and I treated him like loving me was the worst thing he could possibly have done! He gave me everything I never knew how to ask for, and what did I give him? What the fuck did I give him in return? I pushed him away. I said things I knew would hurt him because I was too much of a coward to admit how badly I wanted him to stay. And if he dies on that table right now, he’s going to die thinking I hated him.”
I bring my shaking hands up, pointing an accusing finger straight at my own chest.
“And I don’t hate him! I don’t! I love him! It’s me I hate,” I gasp. “I hate myself. I hate my face, I hate my hands, I hate everything I touch. But I made him feel like he was the monster. I made him think I couldn’t stand him… and I need to take it back. Do you hear me?! I need to take it back!”
I grab Alexei’s lapels with both fists, shaking him, begging him like he has the power to turn back time.
“I need him to wake up so I can tell him! I have to tell him I don’t hate him, and I’ll never step away from him again!”
My knees give out completely, but I don’t hit the floor because Alexei’s arms wrap around my shoulders, dragging me upward and crushing me against his chest.
