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“What kind of co-dependent toxic shit is this?” I sputtered through a watery laugh.

Monstera released a belly laugh, bending in half and clutching her knees. “The best kind.”

A deep rumbling chuckle joined Mo’s. “Honeybee, what in the bleedin’ hell is so funny? You made this lassie laugh so hard she’s ripe to spew her guts out.”

I gasped as my bestie’s giggles tapered into hiccups and crossed my arms. “Speak of the motherfucking devil…”

“It’s devilry you’re after?” he drawled, accent thick and rolling over every R. Bane grinned too widely, unnaturally wide, and my heart shot into my throat. My eyes darted over my grotesque as he swaggered to my side, then lifted me from the stool and placed me on his lap.

“Where’s your glamor, asshole? She’s going to see!” I whispered urgently, face pressed to his chest.

I didn’t know if I could look at Monstera right now, the unusual silence surrounding her caused sweat to bead on my brow.

“I’m wearing it. Don’t worry yourself over it.”

“It can’t be. All I see is you, as you. Stone, horns, tail, claws, talons, fur, and everything else.”

“This is who you’ve been fucking?” Mo exclaimed, thoroughly interrupting my worries and narrowly avoiding giving me a heart attack. ”No wonder I haven’t heard from you in days! That accent.” She bit her lip, winking at me. “Shit, I think I just came a little just from hearing it.”

Bane rubbed my back as I peeled my face from him, unclenched the fists I didn’t know gripped his t-shirt, and twisted in his arms, pinning Monstera with an incredulous stare.

“What?” She shrugged. “You were right, he is gigantic and hideously attractive. But you forgot the shit out of mentioning that accent. That’s important information, I will have you know. Should’ve stamped it in big red ink,” pausing she held out a hand, palm up, and mimed stamping something, ‘fated bestie top priority conversation material’.” Mo flicked her hair from her face, the stern expression twitching her features morphing into a bemused smile. “We’ll know for next time.”

“Well,” Bane said through a snicker and drawled out the E extra dramatically, “this must be the famous Monstera then. I’m Bane.”

She laughed as my eyes bounced between them. “Yes, you fucking are. Hi, yes, that’s me. Nice to look at you. Oops,” she cackled, bouncing in place and clasping her hands, “I meant, meet you. Seriously, look at the size of you! Gigantic indeed. I wonder if it matches other parts of you? It would be so disappointing if things weren’t proportionate. I allow only the best dicking down for my Miko. But, judging by the fact that she literally forgot everything existed for days…”

I swear she didn’t breathe once during her entire, thoroughly embarrassing word vomit.

Heat blasted my cheeks and ears. “Mo,” I complained, taking in the pure delight shining in her eyes, “are you done?”

She ignored me, fanning herself. “And that thick as fuck blond hair paired with that blindingly white smile. Uggggghhhhhh.”

Rubbing my temples, I pleaded, “Stop. Please, just stop.”

“Oh, but it’s so much fun to tease you.”

“Don’t make me tell him about the time you ended up lost in a corn field an⁠—”

“Okay, okay. That’s enough of that, Koko. Truce?” she choked out, a matching blush coloring her own face.

Bane leaned down, brushing a kiss against my flaming cheek. “Don’t stop on my account, I could watch this all day.”

“Muah-aha-haha-ha,” my former bestie cackled, really leaning into a terrible impression of an evil villain. “Shit, that was no good. Let me try again.” She parted her lips, but I leapt from my grotesque’s lap and covered her mouth with her own hand. “I’ll practice more later. I’m still workshopping it,” Mo said, the words heavily muffled.

“Let me know when it’s ready,” Bane laughed. I narrowed my eyes at her, then swung them to him. He sighed, rubbing his jaw. “You’re so damn adorable, My Honeybee.”

Monstera elbowed me in the ribs, no doubt a supremely subtle request to let her go. I did, only to cringe when she released an overly loud “awwwwww”.

“Ah, with all the excitement I almost forgot,” Bane explained, stood, and shifted to the side, revealing a cardboard to-go tray bearing Little Moth Tea Shop bedecked coffee cups and a bag from a burger place I hadn’t tried yet sitting on the desk. “I brought you coffee, my wee caffeine addict, and lunch. You need to eat more often, especially with that medication you take.”

“I’ve been telling her that for years,” Mo pointed out.

Something within me softened. “I know, I know.” I breathed in and my stomach gargled obnoxiously, causing a small smile to twitch my lips. “Caffeine and a bacon cheeseburger? Don’t tell me you got me fries, too?” I rubbed my belly, ignoring the twinge of pain low in my abdomen as I unpacked the food and drinks.

Monstera laughed, stealing a fry before I had a chance to even taste them. “You certainly know the way to a grumpy woman’s heart. If all else fails,” she took a bite of my crunchy goodness, devouring it without a care as my lips flattened and I snatched the container out of her reach, then continued, “get Miko fries. They’re her favorite.”

I gathered up the food and set it out on a study desk, grabbing a coffee on the way by. “So much for being my person. Giving away trade secrets like that.”