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“Marcus told Eli he’d go with Evander,” she says. “If they’d let you come with me.”
Relief and guilt overpower me, my tears spilling over. “He did?”
“Eli said no. We don’t know what else we can do.”
I wipe away my tears, standing straighter. “You don’t need to do anything else. Go. I’ll be fine.”
She balks. “You’re not fine, and you haven’t even left yet. Tell me what’s happening in your head right now. Please.”
So it’s a funny story. A group of cutthroat murderers will be after me if they find out I’m alive, and even though I survived pain and assaults after the virus, they didn’t make me stronger. They made me terrified it’ll happen again. Maybe not that funny, actually.
Briar won’t be able to leave me behind if she knows the truth.
“I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I’m not as strong as you are, but I’m fine. I’m just ... not great at being alone.”
She softens. “But you won’t be alone. You don’t have to go teach archery, you know. You can stay here and work on the base. Once I have Mae, I’ll either come back or try to get you assigned to Carson City.”
I smile sadly. “You don’t know that, though. The ILF could send you guys anywhere.”
Her shoulders sink and she looks away. Guilt stabs me in the chest. I’m a terrible person for making her hesitate for even a second. No matter how much of a mess I am, Mae needs her more than I do.
I summon all the strength I can find, my heart racing. “I’ll go with Evander.”
“We told Eli we want you assigned to Carson City. He said the ILF has limited ammo and they desperately need you teaching archery, but he’s going to work on getting the archery training moved to Carson City.”
I nod, not letting myself hope it will happen.
“I know there’s something you’re not telling me,” Briar says. “Before I go, will you please tell me what it is?”
I won’t do that to her. She needs to be able to focus on her mission because she’s walking into the most dangerous place she could possibly go.
“My emotions are all over the place.” It’s not a lie. “I’m having a lot of trouble adjusting to not being on the island anymore. If it wasn’t the fucking apocalypse, I’d be at my therapist’s office asking for a prescription to help me get my shit together.”
She pinches her brows together in a sympathetic look. “They have a psychiatrist here. And counselors.”
“I used to take medication. A mood stabilizer. It helped me.” Also not a lie. “But that’s not an option anymore.”
“Maybe the aromium stabilizer isn’t working on you.”
I shake my head. “Listen, I’m okay. I promise. You need to go.”
She takes a step closer to me and reaches for one of my hands, squeezing it softly. “If you aren’t well, stay here. I know it’s hard for you to not be doing anything, but you could train people in archery here. At least you’ll be safe.”
“I thought about it,” I admit. “But I think I need to prove myself to the ILF. Olin and Evander say they’re good people, so if I do what they want, maybe I’ll build goodwill with them.”
She holds my gaze for a few seconds, her expression worried and hopeful at the same time. “You don’t have to be specific. I just want to know you’re okay, and you’re not yourself.”
God, she knows me well. I give her a reassuring smile.
“Being back on the mainland brings back memories of before. Bad memories. And I’m not like Marcus and Pax—even with aromium, I still need a few hours of sleep every night, and I’m not sleeping well.”
Her shoulders drop a fraction. I can’t tell if she believes me, but she lets it go. When she puts her arms around me in a hug, I mentally translate the preamble of the Constitution into Italian, desperate not to fall apart in front of her.
I only have two settings: emotional floodgates wide open or closed airtight. I’ve never been great at anything in between. But I plaster on a smile, trying my best.
“Good luck,” I say, pulling away after a couple of seconds.
“You too.”
