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“Open them,” he orders, and a part of myself disappears when I do. His eyes search mine, for what I don’t fucking know.
“No,” I defy him, his hand coming around my throat. And it feels like I’m dying in his arms all over again.
“I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t,” he says, and there is a desperation in his voice I haven’t heard before.
My heart pounds as I shift in his arms. “Is that a threat?”
His rough fingers trace the line of my jaw. His breathing changes; something heavy hangs between us in the air. But when I look into his eyes, my heart stutters. Is he really going to kill me?
“No,” he growls, wrapping both hands around my throat and cutting off my oxygen. “I’ll take you down to hell with me. I’ll make you taste the bitterness of your own damnation for what you’ve made me become.”
I claw at his wrists, my lungs screaming for air as my vision swims with dark spots, and a burning pain explodes in my chest. But as I look into his eyes, I realize the most fucked up truth of all. The one I haven’t even told myself. That ever since I was thirteen, I’ve been in love with this man, and I hate myself for it. I’m disgusting for wanting him, I should have never asked for the dark side of the moon. I should have ended us a long time ago.
My stomach churns with nausea because I want him to take me wherever he’s going. I want to disappear. I want to hold onto him and never let go. I want him to claim me. I want him to love me. I want him to own me even in death.
“Kill me then,” I tell him softly as tears cloud my vision.
“I will, that’s a promise little psycho,” he grumbles, grazing his teeth along my jaw. “Mine.”
I hate you.
I love you.
我爱你.1 我爱你. 我爱你.
I love you, Moon.
我爱你.
我爱你.
“Close your eyes Eliot, it will all be over soon…”
I listen to the sound of water drip onto the floor. I stare at my tattooed arms and the vertical lines I carved into my flesh, crossing the burn marks left by their cigarettes. Why do people always go for the horizontal ones? This is the best and quickest way.
A scream pierces my eardrums, and I press my hands against my ears, wishing the voices would stop. I shiver, I’m so cold but at least the screams are subsiding.
“You’re disgusting,” echoes through my mind. I groan, my head falling to the left against the cold marble of the bathtub.
I open my eyes and watch as Yuki pulls his pants up. I growl, trying to move my arms, but I can’t. He’s cuffed them to the bedframe. Everything hurts. I try to move my face as tears stream down my cheeks. Then I hear the door open. Endo, Yuki’s second-in-command, brushes past him, pulling his black shirt over his head.
“How did he feel?” he asks Yuki, his eyes moving over my naked body.
Yuki looks at me over his shoulder and runs a hand through his hair. “I’ve never felt anything that tight before.”
Endo pushes his zipper down, and Yuki places a hand on his shoulder. “Enjoy and try to keep him breathing. I want another go after everyone is done.”
I’m fighting against the pain to keep my eyes open. My skin burns from the drugs, and I can still feel the indents of his hands on my waist while he pushed my head in the pillow. I gag, tasting Yuki’s cum on my lips and I hear Endo laugh.
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything when the others want to have a go too.”
The door closes, and I listen to the sound of their voices. The bed dips, and Endo grabs me by my shoulder, turning me onto my back, as he hovers above me.
“Please, Moon,” I whisper and cry out the moment Endo slams his hand over my mouth and nose. I try to keep my eyes open as he pushes my thighs apart and rams his fingers inside. I close my eyes in pain. Please, let it all end.
Shuddering, I gasp for air and push myself up in the tub, the memory drifting to the back of my mind as my eyes slowly fall shut.
The sound of my screams fills the air as the bed shakes. I’m on my front again, my head slamming against the headboard over and over while Yuki is on top of me. The door flies open and I whisper, “Moon.” I can’t move.
