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There’s that word again—exchange. I didn’t think much of it before it digs its sharp-as-razors nails into my open palm, slicing through my flesh, drawing blood.

As my blood drips from my hand and into the chalice underneath, the specter begins sniffing it, whispering to itself in a tongue I don’t understand. Once the chalice is filled, it brings the crimson liquid to its mouth to drink, depleting it.

Dial-up sounds and a computer appears in the middle of the barren space. “Now that your heart will have what it desires, your mind will remember, and your truth is no longer yours to tell.”

I realize now that the offering was just that, an offering, and I am the sacrifice. I close my eyes and accept it. Fuck, I’m going to miss her so much. But as long as she gets to live and leave her mark on the world, I’m okay with sacrificing mine.

Natalia

THE PRESENT

A whirlwind of emotions consumes me. So much for trying to hold it together. I’m a blubbering mess. Here I was thinking a miracle cured me, meanwhile I’m only here today because of him, and what he sacrificed…for me.

Rennix sounds in my ear. “Now do you understand why I couldn’t say anything?”

“Why did you do it? Why did you do all of that for me?” I bow my head. I’ve never felt so thankful yet undeserving.

“Why wouldn’t I? Have you met you?”

“Yes.” I scoff. “While I have my funny moments, I tend to get on my own nerves quite often. I would’ve let myself die.” If it meant you’d still be here.

“Don’t say that,” he grits out. As deep as his voice is, there was no denying the crack that seared through it as he spoke.

“It’s true. You were always the smart one. You had scholarships already lined up. You had your whole life ahead of you, and you threw it all away because of me.”

“I didn’t throw it away. I allowed it to be sucked into a computer, remember?”

Great, and now I can add perfect comedic timing to ease the tension to his list of greatness. It must be nice being smart and funny…and absolutely perfect.

“Touché. Seriously, though. You did all this for nothing. I took the second chance I didn’t deserve and ruined it. I’ve achieved nothing except having the uncanny ability to make horrendous choices daily. I failed.” Both of us.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth. I just turned thirty-four today and I’m no better off than I was when I was broke, living in the dorms.”

“But you’re alive, aren’t you?”

I sit on the floor, afraid if I leave, the magic—sinister as it may be—that’s allowed me a piece of him still, will fade. “You know, you being sacrificed has really changed you. You used to be the most cynical person I knew. And now you sound like a motivational speaker.”

“Answer the question.”

“Assertive too. That part I don’t mind. And to answer your question, yes, physically I’m alive. However, mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? I don’t know. The jury’s still out on that one.” My own humor runs dry on even myself. I sound so ungrateful. I don’t mean to be. I guess I’m just embarrassed, knowing he did all this for me, and I have nothing to show for it.

“I want you to put all that snark to the side for a second and listen to me. I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been stuck and while I may not know what the latest trends are, or how things have changed in the past twenty years⁠—”

I cut him off from his train of thought. “Terribly. That’s how things have changed. Absolutely terrible. The world is on fire. Unprecedented times keep winning the battle over precedented ones. It’s a literal shit show.”

“Be that as it may, what I was going to say is what I do know. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, or how long it takes for you to realize that you are worth the sacrifice. And if I have to remind you with praise daily in your ear, I’ll gladly do it. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to realize that it’s never too late to start over or to begin what you’re meant to do. Just because you didn’t accomplish what you thought you would at this point in life doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. You’ve always dreamed of designing games. So do it. And if you decide that you want something more, pivot and do that. You’ve always been the dreamer out of the two of us, so now you can dream for the two of us.”

How dare he. How dare this angel of a man be so selfless and motivating. Fuck self-help books and daily affirmations. I need Rennix. Every day in my ear like he said, reminding me that maybe I don’t suck as much as I think I do.

“Can you do that for me?” I feel him wearing me down. “Please, I need you to say it. Let me hear you say you’re going to follow your dreams.”

“When you say it like that, how could I say no?”

“Easy, don’t.”

“Fine, I’ll follow my stupid fucking dreams.”