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“That’s really thoughtful,” Jonathan says. “Thank you. I’ll do my best to be there.” Tears have swollen my throat and stolen my ability to speak.

“I understand if you can’t,” Coach says before moving on.

I fall against Jonathan. He drapes an arm around my waist and kisses the top of my head. I lean into him. “Do you need anything?”

“You.” Is his only answer.

“Want to go upstairs, get away from this? No one will blame you for needing time to yourself. Probably need to rewrap your bandages.”

“I can’t be by myself, Sadie. It’s too hard. I keep going back to… I can’t.”

I know. It’s the shared pain of a memory we can do nothing about. When we promised our dreams to each other, we never realized we’d be sharing the nightmares too.

The rush of the white water greets us before we exit the path. It’s still too early in the year for anyone to be here, even on a warm day like today. The water is coming straight from the melting snow higher up the river. It’s freezing, and I’m already bracing for it. Even if I can’t convince Emma to jump in, I need it.

So many memories live here. Some of the best and the worst of my life. I watched a boy die here while I fought to bring him back to life. I witnessed his sister disappear into her grief right before my eyes. I saw life altered in a single fall.

I walk us to that cliff now, overlooking the deep crystal blue water. Layers of slabs can be seen even from this height. It’s deceptively deep, and the current grabs hold fast when you reach the surface.

“This is a favorite swimming spot in the summer,” I tell Emma, eyeing the rock we always claimed every year. I can almost hear their laughter.

She steps forward and leans over to view the water below.

“Ready?”

Emma spins to face me. “What? Ready for what?”

“Do you want to keep your jeans on? They may weigh you down. But I would keep your sneakers on because the water can hurt from this height if you hit wrong.”

“You’re not serious.” She lets out a nervous laugh. “You can’t be serious.”

“I have a knife if you want to cut your jeans into shorts,” I continue calmly, not letting her back out. She swears this is her fear. I know it’s not.

“No, no, no, no, no,” she stutters, taking a step away from the ledge. I block her path with a sidestep. “What are you doing?” She stares at me with wide eyes.

“Jump, Emma,” I order. I need her to think I’m serious. That she doesn’t have a choice. I’d back off if I thought she couldn’t handle it or wasn’t physically capable. But she’s an athlete, and her fear isn’t heights.

“No way! This is so high, and the water’s not that deep. You can’t make me do this. I won’t do it.”

“It’s actually very deep, I promise you.” I hold out my arms to block her path. “Emma, you’re either going to jump, or I’m going to push you.” I step toward her, crowding her toward the edge.

Emma’s eyes dart frantically for an escape. “Please don’t make me do this.”

“Emma, jump, or I’m going to push you,” I repeat. I keep watching her, searching for the sign that I’ve gone too far. There’s too much awareness in her eyes. Her mind is active. She’s thinking. Devising. She’s not truly afraid.

Taking a few calming breaths, Emma peers over the edge and then leaps. Just like that, she’s sailing through the air and plunging into the cascades.

I wait until she resurfaces, sputtering and breathing quickly from the shock of the cold. Once I see her kicking for the boulders, I know she’s fine.

I strip down to my boxers, not about to get weighed down. I wasn’t kidding when I offered Emma a knife to cut her jeans. They add weight and hold onto the cold. I let out a breath and take the plunge, diving in. The icy water squelches the flames that haven’t let me go all day. I’d swallow this entire river if I thought it could save me.

Emma scrambles over the boulder I climb onto. The stone is warm from baking in the sun. “Whoa, that’s frickin’ cold.” She averts her eyes when she realizes I’m in my boxers. I press my lips together to hide the smile. Still find her reactions so funny.

I lean back on my arms, face tilted up at the sky. “The sun feels good though.”

“Can I borrow your knife?”

I eye her suspiciously. “Why? You going to stab me with it for making you jump?”