Page 28

Emma squeezes the pillow the entire movie, hiding her face in it during the more gruesome scenes. So when the credits roll, I switch the channel to ESPN to give us something to clear our heads of the violence. Highlights and predictions for tomorrow’s Super Bowl game fill the room.

Not long after, Emma opts to head to bed.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to sleep?” I ask as she begins to climb the stairs.

“Probably not,” she replies, “but that’s not different from any other night.”

An answer I know too well.

“Goodnight." The fatigue is heavy in her eyes. The tortured look of someone with secrets and tormentors that they can never quite escape. No matter where they live.

“Goodnight, Emma.” Where were you the past five years? What happened to you?

His pillow’s clutched to my chest. I’m sitting in our bed, staring at the wall across from me. The wall of memories. All of our memories over the years. It’s practically wallpapered with them. I made him personalize it with me. I wasn’t about to let this space, our space, be sterile and impersonal.

Every picture. Concert. Award. It has a place on the fifteen-foot wall in our studio apartment. And they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing without the guy who made them with me.

He’s not here.

“Sadie?”

I blink.

“Sadie, sweetie. Can you look at me?”

I blink again.

Danika slowly comes into focus. Collin stands behind her with his arms crossed, wearing a sullen expression like he just found out someone died.

“Oh no. Is he okay? Did you find him?

“No. I mean. I didn’t find him.”

The tears start flowing again. I thought they’d dried out hours ago. But apparently there’s more left.

Danika slides in next to me, an arm around my shoulders.

“Where is he? What if something happened to him? How would we know?” My voice is near hysterical. Or perhaps it’s full hysterics. I can’t tell. The panic is all I feel—my heart breaking, my lungs unable to catch up with my frantic breaths.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Collin explains. “He usually helps her when she gets like this.” He runs his hands through his hair, something he only does when he’s anxious.

“What’s wrong, Collin?” He won’t meet my eye.

“Collin, please, find him.” I choke on the sob. “You have to find him! Something bad always happens—”

“Ssshhh,” Danika says, smoothing my hair. “He’ll come back. Okay? Collin’s going back out right now.” She nods her head and Collin leaves.

“I’ll make us tea,” Danika soothes in a tone that I’ve never heard her take on before. “Why don’t you lay down and rest. I heard you haven’t gotten much sleep.”

Danika disappears.

I curl into a ball, his pillow still clutched to my chest. It still smells like him.

Like he was just here.

After cleaning up the plates and tossing the pizza box, I find myself back on the couch. I can’t escape the thoughts of Sadie and Collin together, that night in his apartment. We’d been engaged for two weeks. And we promised Collin would be the first to know about it, other than her parents.

My gut was twisted in a knot when we left his place to walk across campus.