Page 133
For some reason, that pisses me off more. He doesn’t get to be the bigger person right now.
I stalk toward him. I know deep down he’s not the one I’m really mad at, but in the heat of the moment, it’s a lot easier to pin the blame on him than it is to face myself. “Say it. Go ahead. Tell me how bad I fucked up. Tell me how much of a disappointment I am. That you saw this coming a mile away.”
He clenches his jaw tighter as Jett steps between us, but I don’t back down. Hell, maybe I want him to hit me. Maybe that’s the only thing that could make me feel better right now.
“You’ve been waiting for me to fuck up again, and I finally did. Even after you warned me. Tell me, how does it feel to be perfect?”
“Jesus, Roman, this again?” He cocks his head. “You’re thirty-three years old, dude. Grow up. It’s pathetic.”
His words are like razor blades, slicing through me.
He starts to leave, but I shove Jett away and grab his shirt. I’ve been holding this in for over a decade, and there’s no way I’m letting him leave before I get it out in the open.
“Do you know how hard I’ve worked trying to meet your impossible standards? The sacrifices I’ve made so that you could have the freedom to chase your girlfriend across the world?”
“Don’t you fucking dare throw that in my face right now,” he hisses, his face red and his fists clenched at his sides. “You fucking offered. You know I’d never expect anyone to take on my responsibilities—”
“Because you don’t trust anyone to do the job as well as you,” I say for him.
He waves a hand in front of me. “Evident by the current shit show we’ve found ourselves in.” He glares at me. “I thought I could trust you to handle it, but clearly, I was mistaken. I don’t know what else there is to say, Roman….”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. There’s always something more you expect. You keep moving the needle. Nothing is ever good enough for you.”
He scoffs a laugh. “Now my standards are too high?”
“You know what I think? I think you’ve been hoping I would fail. That I’d do something to fuck up, just so you could swoop in and fix it, as only you can do.” It feels good to finally say that out loud.
“Do you hear yourself right now? Of course I wanted you to handle things. You think I enjoy being the only competent heir to this company? You think I enjoy having the weight on my shoulders?”
“Yes. Actually. I do. I think it makes you feel needed. It gives you a sense of control.”
“I have a duty to protect not only the company, but our family’s reputation, and I will not apologize for that.”
“Jesus, Leo, not everything is about the company!” I shout, “Can you just be my brother for one second?”
He goes quiet, his jaw tight. “I don’t think you want to do this, Rome,” he warns.
“No. I think I do,” I say, shaking my head. “We both know this isn’t really about work.”
“Then what’s it about?” Guy asks.
“You fucked up with that twenty-one-year-old, and I had to clean up your mess…”
“Oh, God, not this again,” I scoff. “Jesus, Leo, what do I have to do to prove that I’m sorry? I know I should’ve listened to you back then...”
“Yeah. You did fuck up,” he yells, then lowers his voice. “But you were young and stupid. You didn’t do anything worse than anyone else in this room. I wasn’t mad at you for making the mistake, Roman.” He looks at me, his misty eyes another punch to my stomach. “It killed me to see you trying so hard to make up for it, putting everyone’s needs above your own… Everything you do isn’t for yourself, or because it’s what you want. It’s to make other people happy because you can’t stand the thought of anyone being upset or disappointed in you. Especially me.”
I stare at him. Of all the things I thought he was going to say, that wasn’t anywhere on my radar.
He noticed…all this time…and instead of helping me out, he continued to withhold his approval, continued moving the mark.
“I know I’ve been hard on you, Roman. But you have to understand, I was only looking out for you. If I would’ve played into your game, then I’d have only strengthened your need for external validation. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to believe that you’re amazing, not because anyone told you, but because you know yourself.”
His words are heavy, knocking the breath out of me. It takes everything in me not to step away.
Is that what I’ve been doing?
I know I don’t have the healthiest self-image. I dwell on mistakes long after they’re over, but I guess I’ve never stopped to ask myself why. Deep down, I’m afraid of someone being upset with me because, somewhere along the way, I learned to equate their disappointment with me being bad or wrong. And on the flip side, their approval became proof that I was good, that I was worthy.