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Jason’s mouth tightened. “Go on.”
She gazed past the flickering candle-flame to the window, where snow waltzed and swirled in the darkness. There was something about being cocooned in this little sanctuary of cosy warmth that made it easier to talk about a time she’d buried deep. Or maybe it was nothing to do with their surroundings and everything to do with Jason.
“A month before my mother died I walked into the kitchen and he was kissing this colleague.” She put special emphasis on the word. “Dad was terrified I’d tell my mother. I didn’t. I didn’t understand much, but I knew it would upset her and I didn’t want to upset her. My whole life changed that day.”
“You carried it by yourself?” He closed his hands over her shoulders in an instinctive gesture of comfort. “You poor thing. You were so young.”
“Old enough to learn how to keep a secret to protect someone I loved. And I did that. My mother died—” She paused, wondering how that could still hurt after so many years. “—She died and I kept that secret, but it rotted inside me. Some days I swear I could taste it, as if I’d swallowed something bad. I felt guilty for knowing and not telling, but I knew that telling would have made me feel guilty, too.”
His hands were still on her shoulders. “Your father stayed with the woman he was seeing?”
“Yes. And I lived with them.”
“Did they have more children?”
“No. They made it clear that they didn’t want children. I’m not sure my father ever did. I suppose I should be grateful that they gave me a home, but it didn’t feel the way a home is supposed to feel.” She kept her gaze fixed on his chest. “They didn’t want me, and that’s not a great feeling when you’re a child. You assume it’s you. That it’s something you’ve done. That you’re lacking in something. I saw all these other kids whose parents hugged them and were proud. My dad was never proud.”
“You probably made him feel guilty.”
“Yes. My father admitted once that whenever he looked at me he thought about my mother and he found that difficult, but the truth is he never really wanted children and there was nothing in me that made him change his mind. You know those movies where someone doesn’t want a baby but then along comes a baby and they fall in love anyway? The baby wins them over? That didn’t happen. I didn’t win anyone over. My dad never could find anything in me to love.”
She looked up at him and he muttered something under his breath and pulled her against him, wrapping her tightly in his arms.
“Listening to this is breaking my heart.”
“You must have a soft heart.” But she already knew that, of course. He’d given a home to his sister and her baby. They were a close family. They supported each other. They cheered each other on. Her story was as far from his as the North Pole was from the South Pole. She closed her eyes and allowed herself a moment to lean on him and breathe in the scent of him. She could have stayed forever, just like this, and she would never have asked for anything else. But that wasn’t real.
She eased away a little. “Honestly, I’m fine. Don’t feel sad for me. It was a long time ago. I’ve built a good life. I’m happy.”
“But you don’t think you’re lovable.”
“The answer is to buy a dog, don’t you think? Dogs love you whatever your flaws.” She tried to lighten the conversation. “Or maybe a couple of cats. I’m in love with Crumpet, and Biscuit is sweet-natured, too.”
“Are you always on your own at Christmas?”
“Yes. I don’t pretend it’s an easy time, but I’ve found ways of getting through it.”
“Like what?”
“I map out the hours and either read or watch box sets—nothing Christmassy. Usually a bunch of people blowing each other up or something equally non-festive. I eat junk food. Sometimes I go for a walk, although not always because that’s all happy people and smiling children and couples holding hands, or at least it seems that way. Maybe they’re just the ones I notice.” She stepped towards the table and straightened a knife that didn’t need straightening. “I’m probably the only one of us who is happy we’re snowed in here.”
“It isn’t hard for you being with the kids?”
“Watching Brooke’s little family, you mean? No, because this time I’m not on the outside looking in. This time I’m part of it. I get to crawl on the floor with Poppy and cut out stars with Elsie and brush flour from the cats.”
He smiled. “Those cats are surprisingly tolerant.”
She smiled, too. “They seem pretty adaptable. As is everyone else. Brooke is making the most of it. She’s enjoying the time with the children. Matt seems pretty laid-back, and Mabel seems to be enjoying having the children around, so everyone is accepting the way things are and it’s going well, but I’m the only one who would actually have chosen this.”
“That’s not true.”
She glanced at him. “You want to be with your family and Jess.”
“Yes. I love my family, but I’m also happy to be snowed in here with you. If you’d given me a choice, I would have chosen this.” The look in his eyes made her heart tumble and twirl like one of the snowflakes outside.
“You would?”
“Yes. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been avoiding me. This storm has given me the opportunity I’ve been looking for. And I hate wasting opportunities. Now we have to decide what to do about it.”
