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‘More than OK, Teijo.’ She beamed.

Devan was smiling to himself as he read the menu. ‘I sense Miss Heart is feeling rebellious.’

‘Are you not happy with the app’s choice of venue?’ Teijo’s forehead crinkled. ‘I thought a weekend spa break for two would be perfect, judging by your Instagram images. You’re often singing the praises of spa treatments and massages, yoga and peaceful stays in the country to read and improve yourself.’ He looked questionably at the harrowing article Alyssa had opened about how not to steam your lady parts, before quickly straightening his face. ‘I mean, the app suggested this weekend for the purposes of quality time and intimacy, although please don’t feel there’s any pressure to …’ He swept an arm towards the disaster down below photos on the pages of the magazine, his cheeks paling.

Alyssa laughed. ‘Sit down, Teijo. Have a cuppa. And grab your notepad, because I’m about to get brutally honest.’ It felt terrifying. But not as scary as a whole damned life of make-believe.

By the time their drinks arrived, Alyssa was in full, slightly nervy flow, confessing to Teijo she’d never actually enjoyed a massage, because they made her uncontrollably ticklish and she didn’t like being poked by a stranger.

‘It reminds me of Friends, when Ross massages that guy using wooden spoons to avoid touching his naked flesh.’

‘Love that episode,’ Devan added.

‘Alyssa watches sitcoms?’ Teijo asked. ‘So is couples’ massage out? And what about the sauna?’

‘Those things are so hot,’ said Alyssa. ‘I always feel like a turkey on slow roast. Is it just me?’

‘Exactly!’ Devan nodded. ‘And don’t get me started on people breaking wind in hot tubs. We all know they’re doing it.’

‘Agreed,’ said Alyssa, putting a hand over her nose. ‘That’s if I even wanted to share a communal bath with a bunch of hairy strangers.’

‘Wow, you’re not going to get any more free spa breaks if I share these views on the socials.’ Teijo looked uncertain. ‘I mean, it will get plenty of clicks and comments for ’Appy Together, but …’

‘It’s OK,’ Alyssa replied, sounding more confident than she felt. ‘This is me. Odd thoughts and all. I’ll use the spa’s facilities, if that’s part of the task. But you’ll get my no-frills views, even if they’re not what readers are expecting.’

She could tell from Devan’s face that he was intrigued to see how this would pan out.