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@appytogether – Thank you for your feedback, Miss Heart. We really are grateful that you took time out of your busy evening to respond. It sounds like you have the same beliefs about love and relationships as us. (Though we’d sprinkle in fun, adventure and intimacy, for good measure!)

Our app has been programmed to take the things you mentioned into account – and more. If you don’t believe ’Appy Together could bring two potentially compatible people together, resulting in love and romance, you’re welcome to be one of the first to give it a whirl. We challenge you to prove us wrong! (And if you don’t believe it can work, you surely have nothing to lose.)

P.S. We love your logo too.

Had they just dog-poo-sandwiched her right back? Alyssa felt her skin prickle. As if she had nothing better to do than swan about, proving an app couldn’t be some sort of algorithm fairy godmother.

@alyssaheart_thelovecoach – I’m already in a committed relationship. Thank you though. Good luck with your endeavours.

There. They didn’t know she’d just been dumped.

@garypratt – That bloke you were with (guy with the funny name) changed his Facebook relationship status to ‘single’ earlier. Sounds like you’re free. I’ll be your ultimate match. ;-)

Trust Gary bloody Pratt to know more than she did about Arnaud’s Facebook status. Urgh. He deserved a spiky comment for that.

@alyssaheart_thelovecoach – Sure you wouldn’t be the porcupine?

Gary didn’t even warrant the dog poo sandwich.

@appytogether – She doesn’t sound keen on you, Gary. Alyssa – sorry to hear you’re newly single. Any time you’re ready for the challenge, we can hook you up. We might have just the person …

No, they did not – because such a person did not exist.

She threw her phone back into her bag. As soon as she was done in All Washed Up, she was going back to bed. The best way to get away from everything you couldn’t be bothered to deal with was to sleep. By tomorrow, this nonsense would have been buried by the next wave of social media posts and trends, and she would never have to think about it again.