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Devan muffled a laugh.

Alyssa felt herself bristle. ‘Well yes, of course I like tending to gardens, and things. Obviously,’ she bluffed. Devan probably remembered she hated getting muddy, but what did he know about her life these days?

‘And you’re always posting photos of delicious-looking beetroot juice on Instagram,’ said her mother, Pearl, busy-bodying over. She gave Alyssa an exaggerated conspiratorial wink. ‘As Miss Heart, of course.’

She could keep her sodding winking to herself. Alyssa grimaced. What was Pearl even doing here? She’d never paid Alyssa much attention when she’d been Beryl – probably because she’d been too busy practising her hole in one with Dominic from the golf club. And since then, they’d only kept in touch over the phone every month or three, plus the odd quick hello in London. Stilted conversations about superficial things. Why did Pearl have to come flitting around her now?

‘Oh, I do enjoy Miss Heart’s Instagram photos,’ said Devan, putting his arm around her mum like they were besties. So annoying. ‘They never fail to surprise me.’

Beetroot juice tasted like the contents of an earthworm’s intestines – but as an inspiring role model, she couldn’t go posting photos of her downing Vimto like it was going out of fashion. At least her white lies were about positive, well-meaning things.

Alyssa barely recognised Pearl, dressed in gardening gear and radiating joy as though digging up worms was the best fun ever. Her mother had never even boiled a vegetable since Marks & Spencer had started selling pre-cooked red cabbage, let alone grown one. And as for the flower borders, her mum had always had a man in to do that. And that’s probably not all the poor man had ended up tending.

‘Isn’t it wonderful that the town will have these new gardens, as a space to bloom and grow? We residents have always taken pride in our apple trees, of course. And just you wait until you see our glorious spring blossom,’ Pearl said to Teijo. ‘It’s simply spectacular. Move over, Japan!’

It wasn’t that good. Was it? And since when had her mother given a fig about foliage?

‘Did you know blossom is symbolic of beauty, love, hope?’ Pearl continued to babble, pointing to Teijo’s pad, as though he should write that down.

Lessons in love from Pearl Bagnor?

‘Once we start filling this allotment with new life, and more couples come here to enjoy it, they’ll soon stop calling us loveless. Well done, Devan, for funding it,’ Pearl concluded. ‘What a fantastic idea.’

Alyssa gave a small clap, which wasn’t at all sarcastic. She was pleased to note Devan looked a little awkward.

Teijo nodded, made a few notes, and then went off to gather kit.

‘This ’Appy Together app is brilliant.’ Her dad arrived next to Devan and clapped him jovially on the back. Percy Bagnor, manager of the local bank and a man who never used to take his suit off, other than for getting naked with his bank staff in the stationery cupboard. Sickening. And here he was, wearing moth-eaten corduroy? ‘We’re so enjoying working through our tasks together.’

What was this, an impromptu meeting of the Devan Shaw fan club? And were these two using the damned app too? She vaguely remembered it claimed it could help both singles and couples in need.

Though her dad had always praised everything Devan did when they were growing up, even if her achievements only ever disappointed him.

‘I’m feeling so romantic with it all. We might even treat ourselves to a second honeymoon,’ Pearl enthused. ‘Devan’s parents are always off doing something lovely. I do envy their extended trip to the Maldives right now. Maybe I should dust off my bikini!’

‘Always a treat.’ Percy gave his wife a wink.

Alyssa’s stomach turned.

‘Anyway, look. Our plot is right next to yours.’ Percy gave a smile that could light up nearby planets as he put an arm around her mother and planted a soft kiss on her dirt-speckled forehead.

Yuk. Were these two getting paid? How much could she pay them to just naff off?

And if this app wasn’t powered by evil for randomly throwing her next to the Bagnors … ‘What a delightful year we’re all going to have, working side by side,’ said her mother, looking positively gleeful. ‘Not that we’ve met you before.’ Another exaggerated wink.

All. Year?

‘Wait, what?’ Alyssa snapped at Devan, as her parents wandered off. ‘I thought we’d be done before lunch?’

‘Creating an allotment takes time,’ Devan explained, as though she was five. ‘The app is encouraging us to have shared responsibilities. Mutual interests. Commitment. All important ingredients, wouldn’t a love coach also say?’

‘Committed to growing broad beans?’ said Alyssa, through slightly gritted teeth. Blooming marvellous.

‘More time for budding relationships to blossom and grow.’ Devan gave her a winning grin. ‘Talking of which, when are you going to stop denying those nice people are your parents, and that you’re from here?’

‘At around the time you admit you were a two-timing sleaze.’

Devan opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a reporter wanting to talk about his bloody brilliant love app.