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Chapter 7

‘No way. I’m absolutely not doing that.’ Alyssa pursed her lips. Rufus ruddy Diamond had surpassed himself this time. On the scale of potential dream jobs, this was the stuff of teeth falling out nightmares.

‘Why not? It’s a bloody brilliant offer.’ He shifted himself, making the legs of his chair creak.

They were in the sweaty bosom of The Pitts Café, which always reminded Alyssa of that grim place they visited in the TV show The Apprentice, before someone got fired. It was ringing true right then, and it wouldn’t be her for the high jump.

Alyssa clopped her rank-tasting cappuccino down on the chipped Formica table, not caring that half of it spilled out.

It turned out the people at ’Appy Together had reached out to Rufus when she’d stopped responding online. Yes, they were offering a lucrative deal for a relatively easy publicity campaign – but she had her reputation to consider. As if an app could make people fall in love. Alyssa glared at her agent.

Rufus waved his phone screen, using his stumpy finger to point out just how viral the social media post had become. Was that why she’d had the unexplained burst of new followers over the past week? At least it hadn’t been bad for her brand. Yet.

‘Love is big business, Miss Heart. And it’s your business. These people are asking for you.’

Her agent was probably one of the few people who’d known her long enough to suss out she was a non-believer where love was concerned. But like her, he knew which side the bread was buttered. ‘Love is …’

‘All around. In the air. All you need.’ Alyssa read the comments from the screen in front of her. ‘No more than a collection of clichés and a load of bullshit.’ She pulled her woollen hat down further, wishing she could hide from all of this.

The previously bored-looking waitress Princess Trudy’s ears appeared to prick up under her plastic tiara and Alyssa chided herself. She wasn’t usually so unprofessional or grouchy – at least not in public, where people might recognise her. But this offer had got her riled. The whole idea made her skin crawl. The worst thing was that it was the best and only option she had going for her. What on earth did that say?

‘And you wonder why I haven’t got job offers lined up for you?’ said Rufus, running a hand over his greying blond goatee. ‘You need to drop the attitude.’

She pursed her lips again – because perhaps he had a point about that bit.

‘Anyway, Hartglove needs you.’

Alyssa spluttered. ‘Hartglove?’ she repeated.

‘Yes, this is the clever bit. The town was voted most loveless place, or some such, and ’Appy Together has latched on to the idea of running a media campaign to change the town’s fate before next year’s awards, linking in with the launch of their app.’ Rufus beamed. ‘You and ’Appy Together in Hartglove – a match made in heaven! Aren’t you from there?’

A match made in hell. Was this some kind of desperately cruel joke?

‘I am not going back to that place, for a lot of very good reasons’ She had no idea if her main reason for staying away still even lived there. Though Devan Shaw certainly still existed in her dreams, even if he was uninvited.

‘But they’re hot for you.’

‘They don’t even know me.’ Alyssa doubted anyone really did. On the plus side, she’d been the boringly named Beryl Bagnor when she’d grown up there. If she went back with pink hair, a completely different persona, and a new name, people might not even recognise her. Not that she was going back there. ‘Anyway, I’m not looking for a new relationship, because I’ve been single for less than a week. And I’m not even geographically close, which I seem to remember them saying was important for a match.’

‘It’s a publicity stunt. Just go with it.’

‘Well, I’m not interested in completing seven pointless tasks.’

‘That’s the beauty of it,’ said Rufus, leaning across the table. Alyssa made a point of leaning backwards, trying not to wince as she banged her head on the window. Princess Trudy, who’d been busy tapping on her phone, looked up and glared. ‘If you don’t believe it will work, you just have to go through the motions. Smile for the cameras, play nice. Seven harmless projects. Job done. Think of all the potential media coverage and the TV opportunities that might spin off from it.’

‘Wait, what? The tasks are like projects?’ Alyssa tried to keep her voice down. ‘How long could this thing drag on for? What if one of the tasks is to trek to Kathmandu in matching underwear?’

Rufus raised his eyebrows. ‘Then I would pay to see that.’

She added another reason to her no list.

‘I’m joking. Look, the tasks will be in Hartglove, if they’re planning to give the place a boost. It’s likely you’ll be in and out in an hour each time. And seriously, the money they’re offering.’ He rubbed his belly, no doubt thinking of his healthy cut of the cash and the slap-up steaks he could treat himself to. Perhaps the joy of depriving him should be another reason not to.

‘I don’t even know who’s masterminding this thing, do you?’ Alyssa politely shooed away Princess Trudy, who seemed to be edging nearer with her cleaning cloth. ‘It’s like The Wizard of Oz, when nobody knows who’s behind the curtain, because you can only see some bloke’s backside.’ The thought gave Alyssa the creeps.

Rufus scratched his head, even though his hair was covered by his back-to-front baseball cap. He’d clearly never played baseball. ‘Isn’t the point with The Wizard of Oz that he’s just a normal guy with a few neat tricks? Maybe the magic is in the true love.’

A shudder ran through her. ‘I doubt it.’