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I could take her right here. Against this tree, in the dirt, surrounded by death and the gray silence of a dying land.

I know it from her desperate writhing against me, from her thready moans as I knead her breast. From the frantic scratching of her nails down my back that would draw blood if not for the protection of my shirt.

She’d let me, and she’d hate herself after.

Not me, because Esme would claim she started this. That this was her choice, and she left me no way out.

A girl like her would blame herself for however the kiss progresses.

I grab her ankles where they’re wrapped around my back and force them apart, then I back away so quickly that I nearly trip over my own damn feet. The effort required feels like moving a mountain, because every part of me begs to continue, to take her like she’s so sweetly offering. I suck in a huge breath, and the stench of rot and death provides the clarity necessary to disengage.

Esme sways against the tree, clutching the branches as she struggles to find her footing. Half her braid has unraveled, and her lips are pink and ravaged. Her hazy eyes gleam with desire that burns even brighter now than before I surrendered. I don’t remember undoing her half-laced shirt. The visible curve of one breast displays the red marks created by my fingers. Yet I’m about to leave her here, unsatisfied.

Why am I doing this again?

Esme licks her lips, causing my pulse to throb in my cock. I back away to prevent myself from ravaging her. “Why did you⁠—”

“We’re not doing this.” I avert my gaze before I can change my mind. “Not like this.”

“Why not?” She pushes off the tree and strides toward me.

I back away, because one touch will disintegrate my resolve. For the first time in my life, I battle the urge to give in. Gods know, all I want is to submit to my raging desire and lose myself in her.

Her lower lip trembles. “You want me. I want to forget. Just for a moment. What’s wrong with that?”

Everything. Fucking everything. Because if emotions weren’t involved, this would be so easy. And fun. I could walk away later. But there’s no way this will end clean for either of us. Especially when all you want is to forget, and I yearn for something memorable.

“Because you’d regret it.” I meet her eyes, keeping my face harsh in an effort to dissuade her. “Tomorrow. Next week. The second you came to your senses, you’d realize this was the worst decision of your life.”

“Maybe I want regrets.” Her hands shake as she fumbles with her laces. “Maybe I’m tired of being good. Of watching people die while I stand around useless. Maybe I want to do something terrible and selfish and wrong⁠—”

Gods, she needs to stop talking, because she’s weakening my defenses. I shift away in a tactical retreat. If I can’t see her, perhaps the rejection will be easier. “Not with me you don’t. Find someone else to help you self-destruct.”

I hit the road at a brisk pace that’s almost a jog.

Because I’m good at killing things. Good at the tough choices. Good at surviving.

But good at being the kind of man a woman needs?

That’s a skill I’ve never learned.

Chapter Eighteen

Esme

Shame.

The word repeats like a chant in my head, burning my cheeks and withering my spine.

I threw myself at a man who I know nothing about except his self-professed talent for killing. Not only did that not stop me, but part of me was excited by it. I hated that he killed the alicorn. I loved that he went to such lengths to protect me. He killed those men who tried to abduct me as well, but he was also protecting his own life, so my associated emotions are conflicted there.

This he did solely for me.

Unable to tear my eyes off him, I watch as Agnar flexes his hands to mold beds from the moss covered ground. When he fought the bandits, his gestures were violent, but now, he glides his hands over the earth like it’s clay on a spinning wheel while humming to himself. Though exhaustion wears on his features, he hides it well. His presence and stance remain as steady and solid as ever. I search him for signs of the fervor he pinned me against the tree with, but he’s buried it deep, leaving only a cool exterior.

He glances my way, and I drop my eyes as an oily residue gathers in my stomach.

For a moment, when the healing light came to my hands, I thought I’d finally had a breakthrough. That I could actually be a full Warden.