Page 36

‘As I say, it works for us all. You can’t stay here without money to do the place up. There’s so much that needs work. And the leak in the roof isn’t going to sort itself. If you move in with me, you’ll be free of those worries. You’ll have enough to pay towards costs, electricity and the like.’ He looks at me.

He seems to be making sense. He’s right. If I sell, I’ll have enough money to live off comfortably.

‘. . . And you’ve got a good offer on the table. You can stay as long as you want, until you work out where you want to be. Find something that works for you. Or just stay!’ He smiles, looking very pleased with the idea.

Selling the farm and moving into Gareth’s big house really would sort out my finances. What savings we had have gone on the deposit for the new flat and been whittled away at to keep me and the farmhouse going since we shut the Christmas tree farm.

‘I’m grateful, Gareth,’ I say. ‘Thank you.’

He smiles, sitting back in his chair. ‘So, is that a yes?’

I smile affectionately back at him.

‘I need to think about Willow – Will,’ I say. ‘Is this what’s best for him? Living at your house, in limbo, until I find somewhere else? And then there’s school to think about at some point. Or home schooling, possibly . . .’

‘Ah, I’ve thought on that, too,’ says Gareth. ‘I’ve spoken to my old school, where my boys went. They’re happy to take him. I’ve explained the situation, that he hasn’t had much of an education—’

‘Hang on. Your old school?’

He nods proudly. ‘I think they were pleased I thought of them. I mentioned that my name’s on the school wall for badminton. I’ve said you’re a close friend, and Will is a family member in your care.’

‘But . . .’ Cogs are turning in my head. ‘You left primary school when you were little and went to private school – Paddy stayed on at school and went to the local comp. You went away to . . . boarding school!’

‘Yes, but don’t worry, I think the fees will be quite reasonable.’ He leans in for another mouthful of curry and rice. ‘And once you sell this place, you should be able to afford them comfortably.’

I stare open-mouthed at him, a fierce fury building inside me as he carries on scooping curry, letting grains of rice fall either side of his mouth.

‘It’s a very practical solution,’ he says.

I hear the door open, and Will and Tegan come in. Will is carrying three eggs. He puts them into the egg basket. Then, with a wary look at Gareth, he quietly says, ‘I’m going to bed,’ and takes himself off.

I call out a goodnight as I watch him head for the stairs.

‘You can stay as long as you like,’ Gareth says with satisfaction. ‘Even when Will gets his new family, he can visit.’ He lets out a little burp.

He’s got it all mapped out. I can see that he’s really thought about this.

I think about Horse, about that little nod as he was leaving. Was he telling me this is a good idea? A good solution?

I look at Gareth. He’s a good man. And this decision isn’t about me, not really; it’s about giving Will the stability he’s never had. A spacious family home with a garden would surely be much better for him than a flat for one with a dressing room. He would have his own room and space. He’d know it was always there for him. It would give him a sense of belonging.

Something in me stirs – a protective instinct like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I know that I’ve got to do what is best for Will right now. The very best I can.

Chapter 16

‘The answer’s no,’ I tell Gareth the following day.

Winter is on its way. It’s cold and crisp, the time of year I love most on the farm, when the mist from the valley lifts and the trees have frosted tips.

‘The developer won’t give me back my deposit.’

He lets out a long sigh.

‘What do you want to do? It’s up to you,’ he says.

I think about the sleepless night I’ve had listening to rain dripping into the bucket in the roof, where the tiles need fixing. In the cold, I reached for my hot water bottle with my feet and hoped Will had his close to him too, although I suspected Tegan might be curled up on his bed, helping keep him warm. I thought about the wrench of leaving the farmhouse, then about the drip in the roof and the tapping in the hot water pipes – all the sounds I’m familiar with and that made this place our home when Paddy was here.

But Gareth’s right; I can’t do all the jobs that need doing without money. That’s why it seemed like a perfect solution when I made the deposit, but everything has changed since Will turned up. I also thought last night about how it might be to bring him to the flat: about him keeping his belongings in a box and sleeping in that tiny room every night. At Gareth’s home, there’d be a whole room that was just his. We could paint it, buy some pictures for the walls. Get him his own TV. I lay in the darkness wondering what life had been like for Will – if he’d ever had his own room, let alone a TV of his own. He deserved better. His own space. A sense of belonging.