Page 43 of Desire or Defense

Silence falls over us. I bend forward and lean my elbows on my knees, looking at the ground and relishing in the quiet of the room. Allowing my words to wash over me. To soak in my thoughts for once instead of fighting against them. It feels… heavy. Those five words I’ve never dared speak out loud.

I lose everyone I love.

I’m not sure how long we sit in silence before Dr. Curtis speaks, it could be a minute, or an hour. But I appreciate the silence he’s giving me, and I think he senses I’m done talking for the day.

He finally breaks the silence, pulling my eyes away from the carpet and back to his face. “I have some homework for you, Mitch.” He pauses and smiles. “I want you to find something that you enjoy, that’s not hockey related, and not on a screen. It can be a small thing, but just find something that’s relaxing that simply makes you feel happy.”

“That’s it?”

He laughs. “Yes, that’s it.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” I say slowly, already trying to think of something besides John Wayne movies or hockey that I'd enjoy.

* * *

The following afternoon, I’m at the rink waiting for Noah. It’s more than a little embarrassing how nervous I am to see whether Andie brings him, or Ronda. Not because Ronda terrifies me… because she does, but because I really freaking hope it’s Andie’s blonde head and warm brown eyes that appear when that door opens.

A few seconds pass, and Andie walks through the doors, Noah trailing right behind her. I release a deep breath. I hadn’t noticed I’d even been waiting with bated breath, but I had. I can’t even breathe correctly when it comes to Andie.

She spots me and smiles, throwing me an awkward, very Andie-like wave. I smile back, but I’m sure mine isn’t as brilliant as hers.

Noah flies onto the ice and skates a few circles around me. I can see Andie laughing from the opposite side of the plexiglass. I wish I could hear her laughter from here, that bubbly, happy sound that reminds me of popping a champagne bottle.

Andie crooks her finger, gesturing for me to come closer. That little finger crook could get me to do just about anything. A fantasy pops inside my head… Andie in those little heart shorts, and fluffy, white socks… crooking that finger at me with hooded eyes and a come hither expression.

Lord, have mercy.

I skate over to the door between the ice and the bleachers, still a little light-headed from my daydream.

She’s leaning against the doorway waiting for me. “Hey, I was going to run and grab groceries, is that okay?”

“You trust me to be nice?”

She smirks. “I have a feeling you’re a soft, squishy teddy bear under that big, tough exterior.”

I snort… not an attractive sound, but she surprised me. “Oh, really? So, now I’m hairy and squishy?”

Her eyes rake over my arms, focusing on the tattoos for a moment, then they glide back up to my face and she looks at me through her long, dark lashes. “I never said there’s anything soft and squishy about your exterior.”

My whole body stills. It takes all of my willpower not to grab her and kiss her… to see what those pink, sassy lips of hers taste like… to kiss her until she can’t think of any more ways to drive me crazy.

Andie smirks and spins on her heel. She’s walking away from me, leaving me stunned. But she surprises me again when she stops, glances over her shoulder, and says, “but you are hairy.”

She waves, probably at Noah, who’s now by my side, and he waves back.

“What’s wrong with you?” Noah asks once his sister exits the rink.

I look down at him and notice he’s staring at me with concern. Likely because I'm standing there gaping at the interaction I just had with Andie.

I clear my throat. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

He glances back at the door his sister just walked through. “I think my sister has a crush on you.”

“Really?” I say a little too loud and a little too eagerly.