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Sophie

ThefollowingSaturdayI attend my second Wonderful Widow’s meeting. I’m eager to hear their thoughts on my attraction to Drew, along with the guilt I'm dealing with. They’re the only ones I’m comfortable talking to about this, the only ones who will truly understand.

I walk back to the meeting room with my caramel macchiato in hand and say hello to all the ladies.

“Sophie!” Gerda hugs me. “I’m so glad you came back, and we didn’t scare you off.”

I chuckle. “There’s no way you could scare me off, you should meet my family.”

She throws her head back with a laugh. “Oh, I like you Sophie. You’ve got spunk.”

We all take a seat in the circle of chairs and Bernice turns her attention to me. “Sophie, why don’t you start? What’s been happening with you the past few weeks?”

I nervously play with my hands in front of me. “Well, I’ve been busy babysitting my landlord’s daughter, Penny. She’s a blast, and my daughter loves playing with her. Then in my basically nonexistent spare time, I’ve been working on lesson plans since school starts next week.”

Bernice nods. “Your landlord is also a family friend?”

“Yes.” I smile. “Drew. And speaking of Drew… I actually was hoping to get some advice from you all.” I gulp down the lump in my throat. Talking about this with them means I can’t be in denial about my attraction to him any longer. And being in denial feels much safer than admitting my feelings.

Bernice looks over at Gerda with a knowing smile. “Of course, what’s on your mind, sweetheart?”

I clear my throat and glance around the room. Everyone is waiting for me to continue.

“Well, after I moved into the basement apartment and started watching Penny, I noticed myself getting nervous around Drew, which is new. I have been around him a lot since he and Penny come to most of our family holidays, and I never felt uncomfortable around him. He just fits in so well with my brothers, I sort of looked at him like another big brother figure, you know?” I pause and take a sip of my coffee.

“Ahh.” Bernice nods like she’s putting the pieces together already.

“So, I tried to ignore this new feeling I had around him, chalking it up to being the newness of the situation and living on my own again. But the more time I spend with him, the worse it gets. And I’m realizing it’s not nervousness, but butterflies. I’m feeling a strong attraction to him.” I inhale a deep breath and glance around the room.

Everyone is still listening intently, so I tread on. “When he’s around, I feel happy and warm, but as soon as I’m alone again, the feeling of shame takes over. I think I’m ashamed to move on. It feels like I’m being unfaithful to my husband.” I shake my head. “I mean, late husband.”

The ladies nod and hum in understanding.

Ashley, the one who recently got engaged, responds first. “I felt like that when I first met my fiance, Mike. The guilt I had over my feelings for him tore me apart. I could hardly eat or sleep. But then I realized something.” She pauses and gives me a warm smile. “My late husband doesn’t need me anymore. There’s nothing I can do to make him happy or sad because he’s gone. But my guilt was hurting Mike, who was alive and present in my life. Mike needed me and he was patiently waiting for me to allow myself to love him. I had to choose to let myself love him, and I had to remind myself that it didn’t take away from the love I experienced with my late husband. It’s okay to experience a completely new love with another person. I can’t say that what you’re feeling for Drew is love, but I’m just saying it’s okay to allow yourself to have feelings for another person.”

Gerda nods in agreement. “Well said, Ashley. And we’re so happy for you and Mike, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Gerda,” Ashley says with a grin.

“What you’re feeling is completely normal. I think we all had those same thoughts when our brains were ready to move forward, but our hearts weren’t quite there yet,” Bernice says gently.

I slowly nod. “That makes sense. And Ashley, what you said about experiencing a new love reminds me of something Drew said the other day. He lost his parents ten years ago, and I asked him when he felt normal again, and he told me you never go back to your old self after a loss like that. But you do become comfortable with the new person you become. Maybe that’s how a second love is, too? I don’t know that Drew will be my second love, but I mean, whoever it ends up being.” I shrug.

Lisa, the one with three cats, arches an eyebrow, and slumps back in her chair. “A handsome surgeon who understands grief? Girl. You better lock that one down. Whenever you feel ready and everything.” She winks.

I laugh. “Well, Drew is actually seeing someone. And she’s really great, so I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

She grimaces. “Ah, that makes things awkward.”

“Right?” I smirk. “But maybe my heart is trying to tell me I’m ready to love again? Whoever that may be.” I release a wistful sigh. “Thanks for letting me talk this out, ladies. Honestly, I already feel lighter getting this off my chest.”

Evie, who’s sitting next to me, looks at me with her beautiful brown eyes, then pulls me into a side hug. “That’s what we’re here for, Sophie.”

After my support group meeting, I head back to my apartment and get caught up on cleaning and laundry. Since my parents are kind enough to keep Samantha on Saturdays, it gives me time to breathe and get the things done I can’t do with a toddler around.

Once the apartment is sparkling and all the laundry is folded and put away, I check my phone to see what time it is. I probably need to leave soon to get Samantha. Seeing I have a missed text from my mom, I open it and read it quickly, worried something happened to Samantha.

Mom: Hey, could you wear something nice when you come get Sammy girl? We have something to discuss with you. *smiley face emoji*