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At least Jed didn’t argue about it. He sat down on the edge of the bed and directed his eyes somewhere over Remy’s shoulder.

Remy took a deep breath. The dark thoughts, the you’re never going to be good enough thoughts, were pushing their way up, and pretty soon, they were going to swamp him. So he opened his mouth and let everything he’d thought about when he was staring at his phone, wondering what to text, tumble out.

“I’m not sure what you think happened with Mike. He called me this morning when I was in a coffee shop charging my phone, and I picked up. He told me good luck against my old team and I didn’t need to worry about him showing up tonight, and he asked how I was feeling about the game. So I told him about Lily and that I was feeling okay about the game, and then I went back to the hospital. It was maybe three minutes. That was it, okay?”

Remy paused for a breath, searching Jed’s face for any sign that he was understood and forgiven. That Remy hadn’t entirely messed this up. Jed’s expression was flat, like he was here because he thought he should be and not because he wanted to hear whatever Remy had to say.

But also, Jed was holding himself so still. Like he was bracing himself. And Remy saw his shoulders drop a fraction as he explained, so maybe Jed was hearing him.

“That’s really all it was. I promise. You know Mike doesn’t mean anything to me.” And then, when Jed’s expression didn’t change, “Please say something?”

It took a beat, but Jed finally responded.

“What happened with Lily? I hope she’s okay.”

“Yeah, she is.” Remy wondered how to ask what he really wanted to know. Jed wanting to know if Lily was okay wasn’t much of a sign that Jed had forgiven him. Jed holding him would be a good sign. Remy took a step closer, sat down next to Jed, and let the rest of it out in another rush.

“It turned out she had some kind of virus she was ignoring because of that big presentation she had, and then she collapsed at school and ended up being admitted to the hospital, and she was kind of out of it because of the drugs they gave her, so that’s why she didn’t get in touch. I found out from her roommates when I drove up here last night. But she’s doing okay now. In the hospital until tomorrow, but she’s gonna be fine.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“But I keep thinking, like, what if I hadn’t been in Ottawa? What if I’d been in Denver? Who would’ve gone to the hospital for her then?”

“You’re a professional hockey player, Remy.” Jed met Remy’s eyes for a second and then looked away again. “Even if you were still playing for Montreal, you could’ve been in Denver when this happened. Or Los Angeles, or Vancouver.”

“I guess so.” Remy knew it was true. He’d been telling himself that, too. But he was afraid that he only wanted it to be true, so he didn’t have to feel guilty about staying in Colorado. If that was still an option, if Jed was going to forgive him and he hadn’t messed this up.

Remy scooted closer. Jed was still sitting on his bed. That had to be a sign he wasn’t done with Remy yet, or at least, he was considering not being done. Didn’t it? Remy cautiously put his hand over Jed’s where it rested on his thigh.

“Hey, I missed you.”

Silence.

Remy tried again, more directly. “Are you still mad?”

It took Jed a few moments to respond. And then, all he said was, “Not about Mike.”

“Okay.”

More silence, until Remy said, “So you’re still mad about something else.”

Jed sighed, but he didn’t pull his hand away. “I don’t know, Remy. I thought that whatever we were doing, it was the kind of thing where you’d tell me you were going to take off to go look for your sister, because maybe I could go with you and help you. Or that you’d at least call me when you got there.”

“I wanted to see you before I left. And I wanted to call you when I got there.” Remy knew he was maybe squeezing Jed’s hand too tightly, but he didn’t know how to stop. “I just—by then, I couldn’t, because of the damn charger. And before, I don’t know, it felt like something I needed to take care of myself. I’m sorry.”

He looked at Jed, who was staring down at the floor, huge and still and self-contained, and realized it wasn’t enough. Remy knew, on some level, that Jed had a thing about taking care of him. And not just in bed.

It would’ve mattered to Jed, to be there for Remy last night. He wasn’t sure how to make it better, except by saying the whole truth.

“The thing is, I’ve never had someone be there for me that way. I don’t want to be a burden, you know?”

“No, Remy. I don’t know.” Jed sounded frustrated. “Look, I don’t have much experience with relationships. But I’ve always thought that if you care about someone, helping them out is not a burden. Or it shouldn’t be. If that’s not the way you feel about us, you can say so.”

The walls were closing in now, and the buzzing from the overhead light was getting louder, and Remy needed to breathe because pretty soon the room was going to start spinning. How was Jed not getting what he was trying to say?

“That’s not it at all. I want that to be us. I’m probably bad at this, okay? I don’t know what I’m doing. But I want you to be that person for me.” He should stop talking, but Jed was looking at him, so he kept going. “If you still want to be that person, I mean.”

“I do want that.” Jed didn’t look so self-contained anymore. He was letting the hurt leak out, and Remy would do anything to make it better.