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She placed her cheek on her knee, facing Mom again.
Her eyes softened. “Baby girl, why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because it wouldn’t have mattered. I still would have left.”
“Why?”
Tea’s forehead pinched as she sat up. “Why? Mom, you drove all the way out here to pick me up.”
“Sweetheart, I needed a break from the hospital. And that should not be the reason you throw all of this away.”
“I’m not throwing it away! You’re all alone out there. I couldn’t abandon you.”
Mom was silent for a beat. “So you decided against staying with him because you were afraid I would be all alone?”
“He doesn’t want long distance…”
“I don’t mean stay in a relationship, I mean stay in Minnesota.” Mom scratched her head. “Why are you pushing him away?”
“Because…” Emotion clogged her throat. She had no words to respond.
“This is so much worse than I thought,” Mom grumbled after she didn’t respond.
Tea frowned. “Why?”
She let out a frustrated exhale. “Because you’re too worried about me to go out there and live your life, sweetheart. You were in Chicago for a few years, and I was perfectly fine by myself.”
“Yes, but you always knew I was going to come back. Mom, we lost him. I can’t leave you too.”
Mom tutted. “Can I tell you what I think?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No, you don’t.” She folded her hands in her lap. “I think you are using me as an excuse to avoid facing what you’re actually afraid of.”
“Which is what?”
“Letting yourself take chances.” She waved around her, like she had a magic wand. “Letting yourself be in love and try new things. Letting yourself actually face your grief instead of stuffing it away like you have all these years.”
It was almost identical to what Archer told her. Deep down, Tea knew they were both right. But it didn’t make any of it easier.
She moved her knees to sit crisscross on the bench. “That’s not fair. You stuffed it away too.”
Mom shook her head. “No I didn’t. Remember I went to therapy for a while? And encouraged you to do the same, but you refused?”
Tea pressed her lips into a thin line. “Then why didn’t we ever talk about it?”
“Because you didn’t want to. I tried to bring it up, but it was always too hard. You changed the subject or wanted to do something fun in the city. I gave up after a while and told myself that you needed space to heal. I feel like I failed you as a mom because I saw my kid suffering and didn’t do anything to fix it.”
“You didn’t fail as a mom,” she replied softly.
Tea watched her take another bite of her sandwich, chewing thoughtfully. She swallowed. “When we go back, I don’t want things to go back to the way they were.”
“How so?”
“For starters, you’re not living with me.”
Tea didn’t say anything.
