Page 187

In the last few years, in the bouts of darkness that he had. In that blistering night, and the fallout afterward.

In all of the angst and anger she had felt since.

Adonis might not think he was a good man. But even now, with his posturing at his… He wouldn’t really do anything to hurt her. There would be no real consequence if she didn’t marry him.

But that boy was there. Underneath everything he had become. The hardened layers that had been grafted to his skin over time. He was that boy. The one that had protected her, sewn her back together, lain with her when she had a nightmare.

She had always been safe with him then.

When she got older, she had begun to feel differently around him. Strange. She knew now it was hormones, puberty. The fact that she was beginning to have the sort of feelings that women had for men, while she was still too young to fully understand them and far too young to do anything about them.

But she had always been safe with him. Always.

But what would it look like? A marriage between them.

Maybe it can just be the same. Maybe it can be like it was back then. But with money.

That was like a light piercing through the darkness. It was like something vibrant and new that she had never fully considered before.

The idea that they could have something that beautiful, but be protected with it.

It was a lovers’ romance, but she had never really wanted that.

You wanted him.

She pushed that thought aside. Because there was a small, quiet part of herself that felt afraid. That felt like she was trying to have a fantasy that wasn’t obtainable while pretending she wasn’t actually aiming for that fantasy.

Because the trouble was, Adonis had always meant more to her than she could put into words.

It was why she had been so spiteful that night she had dressed up to go lose her virginity. It was why she had given herself to him with that kind of violent desire.

Because he was the fulfillment of something. Of everything.

And for a moment then, she had let herself believe in it. She had let herself believe in them.

She couldn’t do that. Not again.

She would not let herself go back to that place. To that shattered, awful place that she had found herself in simply because she had let herself hope for a moment.

But they knew how to be partners.

They did know that. They could partner together in this.

They could stay married while their child was small, if they had one household, then their child would feel… The child would never know how dysfunctional they were.

The thought of that made her giddy.

Truly.

She could save them.

She could.

“We still have some discussing to do,” she said. “But I think… I do think that I’ll probably marry you.”

“Good,” he said, the light in his eyes making her stomach swoop. And then he was moving toward her. And for one brief second, it was like everything inside of her was filled with hope. Poignant, undeniable hope. Maybe he was going to kiss her.

Instead, he stuck out his hand. She stared at it. At him. “A handshake?”