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I Know You

Page 83

by Ranee S. Clark

Ben swallows. “I’m sorry,” he says. “About what happened the other night.”

I nod. An ache settles in my chest, trying to sap my courage for what comes next. I reach into the pocket of my dress and withdraw the ring. I hold it out to him. He doesn’t move. I know he’ll refuse to take it.

“I was selfish,” I say. “I held on to you despite how much I knew I was hurting you.”

He shakes his head. “Clara, we can do this later.” His voice is pained. Later, when he can talk me out of it. Convince me he loves me no matter what, even when I don’t deserve it.

“Ben, please.”

“Don’t, Clara. Don’t blame yourself. I asked you.”

I press the ring into his chest, wishing he’d take it. “I don’t know how long it will take me to forgive you for what happened—but this isn’t about that. Not really.”

He grips my hands over his chest, holding them with ferocity. “I swear to you, nothing like it will happen again. Ever.”

I nod. “I believe you, but⁠—”

“Don’t, Clara. Don’t give up on me. What do you need? Tell me. I’ll do anything.” He moves one hand to brush over my cheek. “I told Ida Swanson everything about who I was,” he says in a rush.

“Ben.”

He hurries on, ignoring my interruption. “I asked her to marry me. I thought I was stuck, and I made a stab to be happy. She told everyone I’d taken leave of my senses, that I’d had a mental break or something and was rambling nonsense. She wouldn’t speak to me again. What else do you want to know? Clara, I would tell you anything to keep you with me.”

I squeeze his hand and close my eyes as something inside of me breaks. “It’s too late.”

He drops his voice to a bare whisper, full of desperation. “Please, Clara. I know what there is between you and Quint, and I was jealous and angry, but that will all pass with time and we’ll work through it. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has exes. This is weird but not impossible to fix. I’ll spend forever making up for what I did. This is not worth giving up.”

Except I love Quint. And I don’t know how long that will take to pass. I don’t know if I will ever let it. He’s not just some ex, some relationship that ended badly. “No one has baggage like this,” I whisper. “If we’d met later, it would’ve been different.”

“Stop,” he begs, his voice thick.

I can’t breathe. Why does he have to beg? It takes a lot of strength to shake my head. The longer this conversation goes on, the fuzzier my reasons for breaking up with him seem. “If I go home⁠—”

“If?” It comes out as a strained whisper.

“If I go home,” I repeat, “I would say the same things when we got there. No matter how we try … this will always hang over us. You deserve more. I deserve more.”

He struggles over his next words, swallowing several times and breathing deeply to be able to speak. “I love you. That’s enough for me.”

He’s shattering his mask to pieces, and it’s unbearable. Unbearable that he waited so long, that it took so much to prove to him that I was worth trusting. I lean into him, wishing for comfort of some kind for us both, and he wraps his arms around me. But there’s nothing I can say except, “I’m sorry.”

He releases a long sigh, pulling me tighter against him. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asks one last time. I tighten my grip around his waist, tears welling up as he kisses my hair, inhales, then lets go of me. He finally takes the ring from me.

He clears his throat. “What do I tell Burke and Cooper?”

I arch an eyebrow and smirk. “Good luck?” They’ll have to find someone who can travel and who they can trust to come after me. I’m not worried.

It pulls a small smile from Ben. “Not like they have much of a choice.”

“Thank you, Ben.”

He nods and turns away from me, his shoulders pulling tight as I watch him approach the mirror again. Quint gazes at me, questioning.

Ben takes a deep breath as he stands in front of Quint, then holds out his hand. “Thanks for everything,” he says, his voice gruff but genuine.

Quint glances between us again, his eyebrows furrowed. “Of course.”

Ben reaches into his jacket. He pulls out an envelope and hands it to Quint. “I’d appreciate it if you wait to open this until I’m gone.” Now it’s my turn to join in the confusion. Is it instructions for the care of his estate? Something to pass on to William when Quint sees his father again?