Page 52

“From nearly every nobleman at court?” Eliza seemed both shocked and amused at once. “No!”

“Yes.”

“No wonder she’s so desperate.”

“Only a foreigner would take her, at this point. She’s keeping her options open, I’m sure.” I combed knots from my hair with my fingers and sat on my bed. “I hate the idea of forcing her, but trying to convince Cali to relinquish her cousin as a squire hasn’t gone anywhere. I have to give her no other choice.”

“I think,” said Eliza, leaning against the wall across from me, “for the preservation of a good relationship between you two, you should give her options.”

“Such as?”

“Tell Cali the king will give her cousin a husband, no courting required, in exchange for giving up the rather laughably held position of squire.”

I frowned. “But that would give that awful woman exactly what she wants.”

“I mean,” Eliza said with a shrug, “we could match her with one of the uglier members of court.”

“Or we can throw her in a sack and have her shipped to the continent.”

“That would be funny, except I know you’re not joking.”

“She deserves as much.” I leaned my elbows on my legs, my face in my hands, the image of Cali injured torturing me all over again. “She’s the textbook example of a knight—the worst person you’ve ever met.”

“You’ve only ever truly known one knight, Beric—”

“And she hurt me almost daily.” The words fell out before I could stop them. I glared at the floor, hoping they would go away. And yet they continued to pour out of me, so quickly I thought they would never stop. “You know what she said? That she beat me because she wanted to be in control of something. That I deserved it because of the way I am.”

“That’s a lie. Don’t believe it.” Eliza took my chin in her hand, tipping my face up to look at her. “No child deserves to be beaten by the adult they’re supposed to trust. She was unhappy in her position and took it out on you. That wasn’t your fault.”

Then whose fault was it? I wanted to ask. Instead, I stayed silent. Because that had been the only thing to protect me on those days when I’d wanted to talk back. On those days when I’d wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.

“I wish I had done more,” Eliza said, breaking the silence. “Accompanied her more, so you weren’t alone with her so often.”

“You did what you could, Elle.” I removed myself from her touch, looking at the floor instead. “Anyway, it’s part of what made me who I am today. Maybe I needed it.”

“Don’t say that. God, I wish I had killed her the moment I found out she put her hands on you.”

I hugged myself tightly as the view of the floor blurred. “There’s no sense in blaming yourself for anything now. She’s dead. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters, Beric.” She grabbed hold of my shoulders, shaking me a little. “You matter.”

I don’t know why, but I laughed. “Cali said the same thing at her audition.”

I pulled up my sleeve to look at the scar. The wound she’d healed, the arm she’d touched with such care.

“Is … is that why you picked her?”

When I didn’t answer, Eliza moved my face to look at her, again. I averted my eyes. I don’t know why, but I wanted to move away. It made me anxious. That she should know things before I truly knew what I was feeling, what these emotions meant.

“She isn’t like Vi,” I said, but I still couldn’t look at her. “She’s really … kind to me.”

“And it scares you.”

“No.” I pulled away quickly and stood up to pace the perimeter of my room. I could feel heat building up in my stomach, my chest, up my neck. I don’t know why I was so anxious over this. “I have to confess, Elle. I should go to the abbey and do it, but…” I leaned against the wall, finally looking at her. “I selected Cali for the position for selfish reasons. I mean, for her skill, but also because … because she made me feel important.”

I dropped my gaze again, feeling foolish. “That wasn’t the right word, perhaps. It makes me sound like I want to be above her, and I don’t—”

“Take a breath, Beric,” Eliza said, patiently. “It’s all right.”