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I felt so tired all of a sudden. Seeing Mom was great, a wonderful surprise. But at the same time, I wished she wasn’t here.

But then I’d just be worried about where she was.

It was like there was no peaceful place to exist, no emotional safe space. I could have chaos, or I could have worry. I could be in the tornado, or I could be in the eye. But I could never be out of the storm. It was so, so exhausting to live this way and I had always lived this way because when it came to my mother, I didn’t know how to not care. I never felt calm except for the fleeting time her perfume was strong and I knew she was okay.

But I am never really okay.

Justin pushed Maddy off the dock and started back up the beach.

I felt relieved the instant he said he would stay with me because it let Maddy off the hook. She would walk through hell for me—and this cookout was her hell. I was glad she didn’t have to be here. Sometimes her reaction to Mom was more stressful than Mom herself.

“Emma, your drink!” Mom sang, coming down from the pool with two Bloody Marys with celery, an olive, and a carrot stick poking out of the top. She made it to me the same time Justin did.

Mom gave me my glass and turned her attention on my date. “Justin.” She tried to hand him his drink, but he put up a hand. “I’m not a fan of tomato juice.”

“Oh. Okay. How about a beer?”

He nodded. “Sure. Thank you.”

“Any requests? He’s got a full bar.”

“Surprise me.”

“You got it.” She winked at him.

Mom turned and made her way back drinking his Bloody Mary. Justin plucked the carrot out of my glass and tossed it in a bush.

“Thanks.” I looked back at the lake, at Maddy fading into the distance on the pontoon. “And thanks for pushing her off.”

“Yeah, I think she had an ulterior motive in asking.”

I looked back at him. “Which was?”

“Uh, she threatened my life, actually. Told me if I hurt you, she’d kill me. Said they’d never find my body.” He looked back at the pontoon for a second and then back to me. “I kinda believe her.”

“Ugh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. The good news is, I’m not going to hurt you, so I get to live.” He nodded toward the pool. “Are you really worried about this situation?”

I chewed on my lip. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s doing better? She looks good.”

He peered over in the direction Mom had gone. “You look just like her.”

“I know.”

“It’s kind of hard to imagine her in jail.”

I let out a sigh. “I know,” I said again.

But then this was Mom at her best. Charming and fun. When she was at her worst, it wasn’t hard to imagine at all.

Three hours later, we were in the pool.

It had gotten so hot, Neil offered us some spare swim trunks and bathing suits that he had in the pool house. I was in a slightly too tight tropical-looking two-piece halter with green palm fronds on it. Justin had on black trunks that fit him perfectly.

In addition to being handsome, Justin also had a very nice body.

Maddy had been right about his height. He was probably about six-one. He was on the leaner side, but toned. I’d had to put sunblock on him and there was not a single part of that that I disliked.