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…I feel my heart twisting around her in a way that is completely out of my control and can never be undone. I can’t put it away and I can’t unknow it and I can’t slow it down. I don’t even want to…

Then asking me out and me saying no and how crushed he was, but he didn’t want to give up, so he followed me to Wakan.

…I had to go. I didn’t care that it was outside of my comfort zone or that even asking if I could be there with her was inappropriate, because any day I’m not with her is just wasted time. And I’ll already never get all the time I want…

Then the moment he realized he was in love with me. I was passed out drunk and he was holding me in front of the fireplace at Grant House. He said his back hurt for a week from leaning on that hope chest, but he got to hold me so it was worth it.

…It’s funny to think that even sitting there on the floor with her, uncomfortable and tired, was better than sitting anywhere else in the world without her. I didn’t even want to go to sleep because I’d rather be awake and with the woman I love than risk being alone in my dreams…

Then the next day we were on the phone with the silence stretching between us. He’d stayed on the line because he couldn’t stand to be the one to disconnect. I thought he’d been the one who’d forgotten to hang up. But he hadn’t. He just didn’t want to let me go.

…I stayed, just listening. I sat there thinking that I was lucky to still be with her in the silence. And I realized that this is what true love feels like. Clinging even to the stolen moments you’re not supposed to have…

He wrote about loving when my perfume was on his clothes, some random time that I kissed him on the cheek and it was everything. How hard it was to not be able to touch me. How much he liked making me smile. How he’d search for little things to get or to do for me.

…I sent Briana flowers today. I always bring her things just because. But nothing with her is just because. There are a thousand reasons in every second of every day…

Hating every time I texted Levi. There was a long entry from the morning of the bachelor party when he couldn’t sleep because he was so worried I wanted someone else. Then another long entry from later that night after the futon in the basement. His confusion and fear and hurt. It was like being there with him, seeing it through his eyes, feeling everything he felt.

And then we were together.

And he was so, so happy. He had less time to write because he was spending so much time with me.

…I thought I’d been in love before. I’d called it love, I’d believed it was love. But Briana is the lesson. She’s the one who taught me what it really feels like to live for someone else…

Then I saw Nick and Kelly.

Jacob wrote pages and pages about how he felt when I wouldn’t talk to him. How afraid he was that he was losing me. How he would do anything to bring me back and his heart was breaking because I was so sad and he missed me so much and he felt helpless.

…When she ghosts me, she haunts me. I can still feel her all around me only I can’t see her or touch her and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can’t go the rest of my life like this. This isn’t living. Nothing is anything without her…

This part was hard to read. I put the journal facedown on my thigh. It took me a minute to regain my composure. When I did, I picked up the diary, wiping under my eyes.

And now he was at my house and I was telling him about the baby. He was happy.

I smiled through tears.

He was worried about me and the pregnancy, but he said he’d love me and be with me no matter what. He’d Googled cribs and strollers and a body pillow for me, and he’d ordered lollipops on Amazon that were supposed to help with nausea. It made me laugh-cry. He was excited. He wanted to take care of me.

He wasn’t like Nick. He didn’t wish the baby would go away. He wanted me. He wanted us.

By the time I got to his last entry, hours had passed and tears were streaming down my face. I found an envelope there and opened it with shaking hands.

Dearest Briana,

I know you’re scared. You have every right to be. But someday, decades from now, when our grandchildren are grown and our hair is gray, and we’ve spent a lifetime being harmless to each other, you’re going to find this letter yellowed and wrinkled, forgotten in a shoebox. You’ll read it and you’ll remember how frightened and unsure you were once. How afraid you were to give yourself to someone, how hard it was to trust again—and you’ll smile. Because I’ll still be there. And we will still be in love.

Yours truly,

Jacob

I completely lost it. I set down the letter and sobbed into my hands.

He let me look into his soul. And the only thing in there was us.

I knew right then and there that I was going to fall up.

I had to let go of any grasp on my old life, on my old insecurities or fears or scars, or I was going to miss out on the best thing that’s ever happened to me.