Page 127

She smiled a little, but it was mechanical. I went back in for the drinks. When I came out, she was watching the video again.

“How many times have you seen that?” I asked, sitting down next to her.

She shrugged tiredly. “I like it.” Her voice was raspy.

I leaned in and watched the video with her. A Claymation thing of a shipwreck. A big freighter in a storm being tossed in the waves until it went down.

I watched it through to the end. Then she replayed it.

“Why do you like this so much?” I shook my head.

She stared at the screen for a moment. “Because I feel like those men. Like a storm came and sank something strong, and now I’m lost at sea. Drowning.”

I didn’t reply.

“I like his voice,” she added.

“Why don’t we buy some of his music?” Hopefully it’s not all fucking depressing. “Let’s see if he’s got an album,” I said, taking her phone. I was starting to scroll through Amazon Music when a message pinged and a text popped up on her screen.

Josh:

“Uh…Josh just texted you.” I looked up at her. I didn’t know they talked. “He gave you a thumbs-up?”

She looked at me listlessly. “Kristen, why haven’t you talked to him?”

The question surprised me. My best friend hadn’t been my best friend in a long time. We didn’t talk about me or what I was going through.

We didn’t really talk about anything.

I went back to scrolling through the artist’s album on her phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her. “What’s there to say?”

She laughed. It actually startled me it was so sudden, and I stared at her in surprise.

“Go home, Kristen.”

I blinked at her. “What?”

She took her phone from my hands. “Go home. Talk to him. Be with him. Be happy.”

I furrowed my brow. “Nothing has changed, Sloan.”

She stared at me with red-rimmed eyes. “You don’t think you’re worth it.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “What are you talking about?”

“Your mom. All your life she made you feel like you were never good enough. And so you don’t think you’re good enough for Josh either. But you are.”

I shook my head. “No. That’s not it, Sloan.”

“Yeah. It is.”

“Sloan, he doesn’t know what’s best for him. He’s just thinking about right now.”

“No. You’re the one who doesn’t know what’s best for you. She ruined you. She spent your whole childhood setting a bar she knew you’d never reach, and now you think you have to be perfect to be good enough for anyone.”

We stared at each other. Then Sloan’s chest started to rise and fall in the rapid way that told me a breakdown was coming. I instinctively pulled tissues from a box on the end table just as her eyes started to tear up.

“Kristen? Brandon’s accident is my fault.”