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“We got swept up, Henry. We got distracted by the question of what if?” I continue, doubling down. “And now we got that what if out of our system.”

“You’re saying…” He trails off, searching for the words. “You’re saying you don’t even want to try? To see what this could be? I thought we were so good, Norah. I don’t understand what’s happening.”

“This isn’t real. This is a fantasy we had when we were kids. You were my first love and we never got to see it through. It was just another what if we can check off the bucket list.”

“I don’t believe that,” he retorts quickly. “I don’t believe that this isn’t the realest thing you’ve ever felt and that terrifies you, so you’re running away.”

“How did today feel for you? Because all it showed me is that we don’t work in the real world. I’m messy. I’m late for everything. And that is going to drive you crazy. I’m not good at being arm candy when I don’t understand what’s going on and you make no effort to include me. I don’t fit into your world. You don’t work in mine.”

“You didn’t say more than five words to any of those people at dinner, so how could you possibly know that?” Henry spits out.

“They didn’t care about me. They were just wondering where Genevieve was. You didn’t even call me your girlfriend at dinner. So on some level, what I’m saying is running through your head too.”

“It’s not, Norah, fuck.” Henry reaches for me again, and this time I let him weave his fingers around my back, pulling me close to him. “I know you. I know how you feel. I am one hundred percent certain that this is just you getting in your own head. Over that fucking guy of all people. I’m not listening to him, so I don’t understand why you are.”

Because he’s right about me, my brain screams. Rob laid all my insecurities, my shortcomings, bare, and he was right about everything.

My face is so close to Henry’s right now. I can see our breaths commingling in the cold air. I trace his biceps with my fingertips and he sighs.

“I can’t do this,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I place my hands on his chest. I could push him away right now. But my fingertips linger, and he presses into me.

“Stop,” Henry says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Stop, Norah. Let me love you. I know I can do a good job. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. And I know I fucked up once, but that’s exactly why I can’t let you go again. So just say yes. Please, Norah. I missed you for nine years. I missed you so fucking much. Please don’t do this.”

If I move my lips half an inch, we’ll be kissing. I want to. Badly. He looks desperate for me to close the distance between us. But that would just confuse things. For him and for me. I know what I have to do.

I never could have been Henry Cole’s girlfriend. Not really. I don’t know why we let ourselves be convinced otherwise.

I gently press my hands against his chest, and he drops his arms instantly, letting me go. His eyes are full. Mine are too. Hot, stinging tears threatening to run free at any second.

“Can I at least drive you home?” Henry asks, his nose twitching.

I shake my head because if I try to speak, I will definitely burst into tears. I slip off his jacket and try to hand it back to him, but he won’t take it. I walk around him, placing it on his shoulders the way he’d done for me a few minutes earlier. Henry shivers under my touch even though I’m now the one standing bare. He looks at me with so much love, so much hurt, so much betrayal that if I stand here any longer, it might kill me. I turn away from him, not even sure which direction I’m going.

“You can walk away,” Henry says after me. “I’m not going to force you to be here if you don’t want to be. But I need you to know. I love you, Norah.” My name comes out soft on his tongue in a way that nearly makes me turn around and run back to him. “And I don’t believe you for a second.”

I take a shaky breath, wrapping my bare arms around myself. My big coat and my cardigan are in his backseat. But if I stay here, if I get in the car, if I let him take me home, I’ll give in. I know I will. I can’t do that.

So I force one foot in front of the other, down the street, refusing to let myself look back even though I’m certain he’d still be there if I did.

* * *

A block away, I hail a cab and thankfully, one pulls up quickly. It’s almost midnight, and once the clock strikes, it will be a mess to find a car. It’ll cost a fortune, but I figure that walking any farther without a coat will probably cost me more, and I’m not in a frame of mind to find the nearest subway station. I text Luisa from the cab.

Norah

Went home early. So you’re not wondering where I am

Luisa

Sounds good. You OK?

Norah

I’ll see you in the morning

Happy New Year

Bless the taxi driver for not trying to engage me in conversation. He just drives silently as I cry, my makeup a disaster streaked across my face. I chew a hole on the inside of my cheek so deep that I taste pennies.