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“What about Blaire?”
The question borders on what I imagine a knife twisting into your side is like. I miss Blaire more than I miss my own mother. It feels almost wrong to speak about her with Preston of all people, but I won’t give up an opportunity to talk about her.
“Blaire was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister. She and I clicked the moment we met, and up until Caleb, we were together almost every minute of every day. We fought about him a lot; she wanted better for me.”
“I’m sorry… about her. Out of everything, that’s the one thing I feel remorseful about. When she started talking about calling the police, I worried she’d get in the way of us.”
I bring my head down in a slow nod; I can’t say that I forgive him. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive him for taking someone so special away from me. I miss hearing her voice, her random phone calls, and crazy work stories.
“One day, and I’m not sure how, but I’ll do my best to make it up to you.”
“Making up for a lost life is a pretty difficult feat if you ask me.”
“Maybe so, but I’ll do what I can.”
“Tell me more about your siblings,” I speak quickly, diverting the subject before the sadness of losing Blaire creeps in completely.
“Ellie was a little shit her entire life, a spoiled little brat who didn’t listen to anyone or anything. But when I say she was a spitting image of my mother, I mean it. Losing her is almost like losing my mom all over again. And Robert, the guy, was one cocky motherfucker, but I loved him. He was my second man, my entire life. Wherever I was, he was there too. We were very similar in a lot of ways.”
“Do—Do you forgive me for putting your brother’s dick in my mouth? And then also a vase?” The question is genuine, so when Preston belts out laughter, it startles me. It’s such a contagious sound; I can’t stop myself from laughing along with him.
“I’ll only forgive you if you do it to me, too. You know, make it up to me.”
“Slice it off?”
“No. God, no,” he laughs.
The way his skin crinkles around his nose in horror, how his laugh lines authentically curl up, and how he runs his fingers through his dark hair, transfixes me. He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
I unbuckle, my body moving almost unconsciously as I crawl across the middle console that separates us; one knee hits the shifter while the other falls in the cup holder.
“What are you–Wynnie!”
I accidentally knee him in the ribs as I climb into his lap. When he groans from the impact, I giggle and give him a quick apology, but I don’t stop my mission. I can feel the car swerving as I adjust, and he has to bob side to side, around my moving body, to see the road.
“Eyes on the road,” I tell him, purposely sitting directly in his line of vision.
“I can’t see the road. You’re blocking it.” He leans on the door, craning his neck.
“Figure it out, you’ll kill us.”
He scoffs, shaking his head as I finally nestle up to him, wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling my face into his neck.
“You’ll get us pulled over,” he tells me, wrapping one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His tone doesn’t give off worry, but rather acceptance.
“It’ll be fine. Can you see the road now?”
“Yeah, but I can barely steer with your ass in the way.”
Preston rests his head on mine. Through his resistance to me sitting in his lap, I know he’s enjoying it just as much as I am. His sweet, grounded smell was once something I dreaded, but now the scent fills my lungs, bringing me peace. The placement of his hand is comforting.
We drive this way for a while; my knees ache against the hard interior of the car, while he continues to shift his body, I’m sure, just as uncomfortable as I am. Neither of us asks to stop, despite how reckless and dangerous it is for me to be here. Preston’s right; we absolutely could get pulled over, but even handcuffs wouldn’t be enough to take me from this moment.
24
Ghost / Then
The evolution of mine and Wynnie’s relationship hits hard as we drive; she naps peacefully in the seat next to me, curled up like she always does. I can’t help but think back on how things used to be. So different than now.
