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“Oh, yeah. I’m getting a very clear picture now, Marie. Continue.”

“Anyway, that went on for a while, with both of us just sneaking glances at each other when the other wasn’t looking and let me tell you, my imagination was going crazy. I made him into my perfect guy in my head before I ever said a word to the man.”

I wince as I listen to her story, all too familiar with the situation she’s describing.

“So, about a month after I first saw him, I’m standing in front of the mirrors and doing some squats and he just walks right up to me and introduces himself. He told me he was a trainer at the gym before telling me how I could get better results from my workout by tweaking a few things. At first, I thought maybe he was just trying to add another client to his roster but afterward, we started talking and let me tell you, he was even better than the version of him I had in my head. He was sweet and funny but still had a little bit of a mysterious side…”

I nod. “Oh, we do like a mysterious man, don’t we? But since you’re calling in with an awful first date story and not a wild night of sex story, I assume this is going to take a turn, cause right now it sounds like a dream come true, Marie.”

“Oh, yeah… it took a turn,” she answers, a bite in her voice now and I meet Stella’s eyes as she arches a brow.

“Tell us what happened, Marie. I’m on the edge of my seat.”

“We ended up talking until the gym closed and as he walked me to my car, he asked me out. We made plans to meet up for drinks the next night and I was thrilled. But when I showed up at the bar for our date, he was a completely different person - rude to everyone around us, condescending, and on top of all that, dull as hell. He spent most of the night talking and didn’t even let me get a word in but I couldn’t tell you what he was going on about. Honestly, I was so bored that I sat at the bar and had a vivid fantasy about hooking up with the bartender in the back room.”

“Marie, please tell me that’s what you did,” Stella pleads, a faux desperation on her face and I shake my head.

“No, honey. Please tell me you let that bartender fuck you on top of the bar in front of Troy so he could see what he was missing.”

Stella chokes on a sip of water and looks up at me with incredulous eyes. I don’t know why she’s acting so damn shocked though. That’s not even the most outrageous thing I’ve ever said on air.

“What?”

“Jesus, Iz… that’s brutal.”

I shrug. “It’s what I would have done.”

And that’s the damn truth. I have one simple rule when it comes to sex and dating - don’t get attached.

I don’t do relationships.

I don’t do feelings.

And if a man is boring me to death, I have no qualms about dropping him in a heartbeat. Life is too damn short to suffer through shitty dates and bad sex. If I had been in Marie’s shoes, I wouldn’t have waited around for the date to end just to be polite and if the bartender was hot, I absolutely would have used him for my benefit. No use letting a perfectly good night or a Brazilian wax go to waste, I say.

“Sadly, no… but I was so fucking worked up from my little daydream that I let Troy take me home in a moment of lust filled weakness,” Marie says, cutting into my thoughts and I suck in a breath as my eyes widen.

“Oh, girl.”

“I know, Izzy. I knew it was a mistake as I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was thinking about all the dirty things I had imagined the bartender doing to me and I needed relief so I let him take me back to his place.”

I gasp. “Honey, that is what vibrators are for. Now, granted, they don’t get the job done quite like a man who knows what he’s doing but…”

“I honestly wish I had thought of that but I didn’t.”

“Okay,” I sigh, shaking my head. “Hit me with it, Marie. How bad was the sex?”

She lets out a humorless laugh. “Oh, God, so awful… he was so grabby and pawed at me like some kind of animal. Not to mention, that he used too much damn tongue… everywhere… and I mean everywhere. I was covered in his saliva and it felt more like I was with a St. Bernard than a man. I laid there, staring at his ceiling fan and praying for a meteor to smash into his building so it would just be over.”

“Oof. I knew where that story was going but I still wasn’t ready for the kick to the crotch I got as you described your encounter with him. That’s a damn crime.”

“But it gets worse,” Marie adds.

“How?” Stella asks, her eyes wide in horror as she tries to imagine how the worst sex of Marie’s life could have gotten any worse. I have a hard time seeing how things could have devolved from there either but stranger things have happened.

“He passed out shortly after he was finished and I guess he expected me to just spend the night but as soon as the coast was clear, I ran out of there so fast that I forgot one of my damn shoes. He spent the next three days calling me constantly, asking when he could see me again and I dodged all of his calls…”

“As you should!”