Page 14

It’s fucking impossible.

“Are there any other options?”

“Um… yes… there is IVF, which has a higher success rate but… it’s way more expensive.”

I nod as my chest aches. “How expensive?”

“Like fifteen thousand dollars per cycle,” she whispers and I gasp before leaning back in my chair and dropping my head back as tears sting my eyes.

“So, it’s hopeless, then?”

“No,” she whispers, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. Sitting up, I look at her. “You could… I don’t know… join a dating site or something. Ooh, or maybe an ad on craigslist.”

“For what?” I hiss, shaking my head as a tear falls down my cheek. “A baby daddy? I’m sure that will go over well as long as I don’t get murdered first.”

She shakes her head as tears fill her eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Piper. I didn’t know how expensive all this stuff was when I suggested it to you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone and all of this will be a moot point.”

“Yeah, right,” I scoff, shaking my head as more tears fall down my cheeks. Pulling my hand out of her grasp, I prop my elbows up on the table and hide my face as a sob overwhelms me. God, I’m such an idiot. Why the hell did I ever walk away from everything? Closing my eyes, I can picture the life I could have had with Wyatt and it kills me to know that I was stupid enough to lose all that. I can imagine our boys who would have looked just like him and our girls who would have thought their daddy hung the moon and stars. I can imagine Friday movie night on the couch and Sunday dinners around the table and so much love that the void of it in my life, even if it is fictional, is soul crushing.

Eden’s arms wrap around me from behind but I can’t stop the aching sobs coming out of my mouth now as images of a life I left behind flash through my mind. It’s not something I do often, as a means of self-preservation, but as the tears fall, I imagine what Wyatt is doing now. The last time I saw him, he seemed happy and I can’t help but wonder if he went out and found everything he wanted out of life. Maybe, in the end, his life got better when I walked out of it. As much as it hurts, as much as I want to scream into the void to release some of this agony, I hope that is the case. I hope he met someone new, fell in love, and started the family he always wanted.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I say as I sit up and wipe at my eyes even though tears are still dripping down my cheeks. “It’s just been one of those days, you know?”

She hugs me tighter. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand and we’re not giving up, okay? We’ll find a way.”

Before I can respond to her, the alarm on my phone goes off and I whisper a curse as I remember my support group is tonight. I wiggle out of Eden’s arms and run to the kitchen to grab it off the counter. As I turn the alarm off, I wipe the tears from my face and pull a shaky breath into my lungs as I try to rein in my tears and turn toward her.

“I’m so sorry. I totally forgot my group is tonight.”

“Don’t even worry about it,” she says, brushing off my concern with a wave of her hand. “Say hi to Lillian for me and tell her we need to make plans for all three of us to get together soon.”

I nod as I close the distance between us and give her a hug. “I will.”

After I release her, she grabs her purse off of the table and waves good-bye before leaving. As soon as she’s gone, I rush upstairs and wash my face to try and combat some of the redness from crying before I put some mascara on and rush out of the apartment. I don’t particularly feel like going to my support group tonight but I’ve learned that nights like this one are when I need the group the most so I force myself to go. Truthfully, I’d much rather crawl under a blanket and eat a pint of chocolate ice cream but I know that’s not healthy.

Traffic isn’t bad as I make my way across town and my mind wanders to everything I learned today about having a baby and tears sting my eyes again but I force them back. I am not going to start crying again. I refuse. Shaking my head, I run through the figures Eden had written down and sigh. When I checked my bank account this afternoon, I had four hundred dollars in checking and twelve hundred in savings - not even half of what it would run me to try a cycle of IUI. It would take me, at least, six months to save up enough for the first round and there is still an eighty percent chance it wouldn’t even work and I don’t even want to think about how long I’d have to save for the IVF. Maybe, I just have to accept the fact that when I left Wyatt, I was walking away from more than just my husband.

I pull into the parking lot of the building where the support group is held and park in the front before staring up at the building. My chest aches and every cell in my body wants desperately to turn around and just go home. I can’t do this today - not when it feels like my entire body is a giant open wound and I have to walk through a salt mine - but maybe it will be better tomorrow. Or not. Who fucking knows anyway? Dr. Brewer always tells me that things will get easier with time and yeah, most days, I am okay but days like today when the magnitude of mistakes comes crashing down on me and the pain is so intense that I feel like I can’t breathe, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better.

“Piper!” a voice calls and I take a deep breath as I turn to look at my friend, Lillian, forcing a smile to my face. Her face falls as she studies mine. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t go in there today.”

“What happened?”

I shake my head because I do not want to talk about it but I already know that this is not going to slide with Lillian. We met at one of the worst times in my life and she has always had my back. Between her and Eden, I built myself a little family to lean on during the bad days and I am always so grateful for their presence in my life.

“You know what? I’m fucking starving. You wanna go grab some food?” she asks and I nod as relief rushes through me.

“I could eat.”

Grinning, she rounds the back of the car and slides into the passenger seat before buckling her seat belt. I back out of the parking space and glance back at the building to see Dr. Brewer frowning at me, her arms crossed over her chest, and her glasses slipping down her nose. She is going to chew me out when I go in for my next appointment but this feels right. I’m not in the right head space to go share all this fresh pain with the group but talking to one of my best friends about it is still better than hiding under the covers and wishing the rest of the world would go away.

“So, where are we going?”

I smile as I pull out onto the street. “I’m feeling nostalgic. How does Sunrise Diner sound?”

“Perfect. We haven’t been back there since…”