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“How do you see this working out?” I ask and he shakes his head.
“What do you mean?”
My throat burns and my chest aches as my entire body screams for him to charge across the room and wrap his arms around me but if he did that, I know I would crumble.
“Obviously, your brother is going to jail for a while but what do you see for us after that? Do I have to endure family dinners with my rapist? Are you going to sneak around to see him and lie to me about it? Or will you resent me for taking him away from you?”
He shakes his head, dropping his gaze to the floor for a second. “I hadn’t thought about it all that much.”
“Well, I have.”
“What are you saying?” he asks, meeting my gaze again, and I wipe away a few more tears as they streak down my face.
“I’m saying that as much as we want this to work, I don’t see how it can.” The words taste like vinegar on my tongue and my body feels cold as I think about the obstacles in front of us. There are no good choices here. Every road I gaze down just leads to more heartbreak and it kills me. He shakes his head and rounds the island, pulling me into his arms.
“Don’t talk like that, baby. We’ll figure something out. I love you.”
Yanking myself out of his grip, I back up and shake my head. Why does he have to keep saying the things that will make this hurt more? The tears are falling faster now but I don’t care. “No, we won’t just figure it out, Lucas. You came here this morning and said you couldn’t walk away from me but I don’t think you can walk away from your brother either and I can’t live my life knowing the monster who tore my whole world apart could pop up at any moment. It would be hell.”
“He’s not a monster, baby. I know what he did to you was disgusting and horrific but that’s not who he is.”
A sob slips past my lips and I cover my mouth, trying desperately to regain some control over my emotions. I meet his eyes. “To me, he is always going to be a monster.”
“Stop calling him that,” he growls, shaking his head as he backs away from me.
“I can’t!” I yell through my tears. “He’s a monster in my eyes and I’m the bitch tearing two brothers apart. Those are our roles. Why can’t you see that?”
He blows out a breath and begins pacing back and forth across the floor, running his hand through his hair. “What the hell do you want me to do?”
“Nothing,” I whisper, my heart shattering into a million pieces. “There’s nothing you can do.”
His blue gaze snaps to mine and he shakes his head. “No, don’t you dare say that. I love you, Quinn.”
Goddamn it.
“And I love you,” I mumble, fighting back another sob. “But it’s not enough.”
“Shut up!” he shouts, crossing his arms over his chest as he resumes his pacing. “Don’t say that. I’ve never fucking felt this way about anyone before so it means everything. We’ll figure this out. Just don’t give up on us, baby.”
“Nobody wins here, Lucas. No matter what we do, we all lose.”
“Okay,” he breathes, stopping next to the island and bracing his hands on the top. I can see the indecision tearing him apart. “I’ll cut him out of my life. For good.”
Tears pour down my face and I shake my head. “I can’t let you do that. He’s your brother and the only family you have left. What kind of person would I be to claim to love you one moment and then demand you kick your only brother to the curb in the next?”
“What the fuck do you want me to do then?” he yells, his eyes locking with mine, desperate. It breaks another piece of me. “Just tell me what to do, Quinn, and I’ll fucking do it. But don’t tell me that I have to lose you because I can’t fucking do that!”
“I’m so sorry, Lucas.”
Fire lights up his gaze and he shakes his head as he closes the distance between us and grabs my arms, pulling me into his body. “No! This is not over.”
“I don’t see any other way,” I whisper, my body feeling weak as my chin trembles. I don’t have much strength left. He shakes his head again. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“Are you insane? I’m being fucking ripped in half by my love for you and my loyalty to my brother,” he seethes, taking a step back as he grips his t-shirt and pulls it away from his body like he might rip it off. “It literally feels like the two of you are tearing me apart and I don’t know what to do. If I choose you, I lose the only family I have left and if I choose him, I lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
I nod, another sob slipping past my lips. “Which is why I’m choosing for you. I love you enough to let you go and I meant everything I said in that message yesterday. I don’t blame you for any of this. I’m so grateful that I met you.”
“Don’t you dare say good-bye to me,” he growls, yanking me back into his body. “I told you, I can’t walk away from you. I don’t know how.”
“You are the most incredible man I’ve ever met,” I continue, brushing my fingers over his cheek and his eyes plead with me to stop. “And I am always going to love you but there is no future for us.”
He stares at me for a second before releasing me and taking a step back. It feels like the world just dropped out from underneath me and even though I’m the one ending things, it still kills me. His eyes narrow into a glare and he opens his mouth like he might say something else before turning and storming out of the house. As the front door slams shut, I collapse into a heap on the kitchen floor and sob, my whole body shuddering as my cries echo through the empty house - reminding me of how alone I truly am.
Guess I’d better get used to it.
