Page 10
“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it,” I shoot back, turning away to go into the back and wash glasses.
“This isn’t over!” he shouts out as I’m walking away.
“I didn’t think it was.”
“I’m gonna get you to tell me about this girl.”
I feel lighter as I disappear into the back of the bar where the storage room, kitchen, and dishwasher are, and I resolve myself to stay away from Addy until I get these feelings under control. She and I are friends, and I’m not willing to screw that up so I just need a little distance for now.
* * * *
Lying back on my bed, I sigh as I watch rays of dwindling sunlight spill in through the window and try to block out thoughts of the one person I’m supposed to be avoiding. Sounds from the bar creep up from downstairs, and I’m grateful for the distraction. When I started working for Moe, he offered me this apartment above the bar and I jumped at the chance. I wanted my own place, and it’s convenient to be only steps away from work. It’s not much, just a small eat-in kitchen, a living room, and master suite but it’s perfect for me. Addy says it’s a total bachelor pad, though.
And I’m thinking about her again. It’s funny – I never realized just how much time I spent with Addy until I was forced to do anything but see her. Most nights, she’s over here or I’m at her house watching something on Netflix or just hanging out. I’ve gone four days without seeing her, and I really underestimated how much I would miss her. It’s like a giant gaping hole in my life right now.
When everything started going down with Emma and her ex, Ryan, two years ago and Tucker and Daisy started sneaking around behind everyone’s backs, Addy and I were kind of left on the outs. We started hanging out because we had no one to hang out with but slowly and subtly that changed. I started looking forward to seeing her and soon, she was my best friend besides Tucker, who is really more like a brother to me. She was always down to do whatever and is one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met but she also pushed me to open up about my past – something that I never had any intention of doing. She made it seem so easy though. The words just spilled out, and I told her all about my mom and her drug addiction.
I don’t even know if she realizes the impact she’s had on me. Just being around her softened all those hard edges that I used to have, and I don’t feel like I need to have my guard up all the time anymore. Her easy manner and complete faith in me allowed me to catch glimpses of myself through her eyes, and I began to realize that maybe I’m not the man I always thought I was destined to be – my father.
Sighing, I sit up and reach for my guitar, one of the only things of my mom’s that I kept after she died and pull it across my lap, letting my hand dangle over the strings for a second as I take a couple deep breaths, old memories from when I was a kid fighting for space in my mind. Dirty clothes draped over my thin, hungry body and screaming reverberating through the thin walls of the house where I grew up consuming me. Closing my eyes, I can see it all so perfectly. In the darkness of my mind, the little closet where I hid when he came home on a bender and started taking his rage out on anything he could get his hands on feels as real as it was all those years ago, and it’s difficult to breathe – fear choking me.
I open my eyes and do my best to push those thoughts from my mind. If I allowed myself, it would be all too easy to fall down that black hole and never come out again. But I’ve worked too hard for too many years to remain in control of my emotions at all times. When I feel in control again, I start to strum the opening chords to Come To Me by the Goo Goo Dolls. As I begin to softly sing the lyrics, I shake my head because even this song reminds me of Addy. I can’t even remember the last time I went this long without seeing her.
I finish the song and let my hand fall away from the strings, my mind fighting the old memories that still haunt me from time to time. That’s the thing, though. Whenever I’m around Addy, I don’t feel so dark. Almost like her light banishes the shadows but since I’m avoiding her, they are taking over again. My phone rings, pulling my attention away, and even her name on the screen is enough to ease the pain a little but I look away instead of answering it.
It’s become obvious to me that I need her in my life so I need to stay away until I can keep a lid on all these new things that are stirring inside me from our kiss. It was just a kiss, for Christ’s sake. I can get over this little infatuation or whatever you want to call it; I just need some more time.
