Page 11

“You want to go out this morning?” Serena asks.

“Like to the diner?”

She nods. “I just don’t feel like cooking right now.”

“It’s fine,” I say, looking around. “Hey, Dad. And Coen. You want to drive into town and have breakfast at the diner?”

Dad perks up. Usually, I’m too busy to go out with him, and I know how much he likes going into town. Coen sinks back, taking everything in with his thoughtful stare.

“You all don’t have to take me along. I know I’m intruding–”

“No, you better come along,” Dad says, easing himself off the stool. “Let me go get dressed. And no, Brina, I don’t need help getting upstairs.”

He doesn’t say it in a mean way. He says it gently, affectionately, but I still feel the sting of rejection.

“I’m gonna go get dressed too,” I say.

Coen nods, and I leave him with Serena. She loves talking, and she’ll figure out how to keep him occupied for a few minutes. Outside, I feed the Maligators on the porch and take a second for myself, looking around the ranch. It’s Saturday, so half the staff has a day off. Next week, they’ll rotate out. That means it’s just a little bit quieter than usual, but things are still moving.

I take a breath of clear air and hold.

It’s so beautiful here.

Maybe all this stress, all these things that weigh me down, are worth it. This is my home, my family, and the only place I’ve ever imagined myself living. Of course, I’ll always have a piece of my heart in New York with Mom and Hugh, but this is the piece of land that flows through my veins.

I lean on the porch railing, resting my head against the smooth wood. How many times have I stood here like this and imagined going somewhere else? More times than I can count. I just wish my heart knew itself better, because right now, it’s always battling against the desire to leave and the deep need to stay. Maybe if Dad and Serena didn’t need me so badly, I would know myself better.

For so long, everything was perfectly balanced. Then, Dad had to retire, and I had to step up. Now, everything is all wrong.

Now, I’m all wrong.

My heart is pulled in two different directions, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. If I told Serena, she would lie and tell me to leave. I can’t do that; she’s my little sister, and I’m not leaving her with all these burdens. She’s always been eager to help, so I learned to keep my problems bottled up. I protected her in the divorce, in all the pitfalls of growing up, in keeping the dirty secrets of our family hidden.

It doesn’t matter how old she gets. I’m the reason we live here and not in New York. It’s my job to carry the difficult things.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, force a smile on my face, and open them. Familiar mountains and fields fill my vision.

This is my beautiful home.

CHAPTER FOUR

COEN

Serena, the bubbly and sharp-tongued little sister, disappears a few seconds after Bill and Sabrina, saying she needs to put her face on—whatever that means. I go out through the back door, stopping to pet the dogs, and return to the guesthouse for a shower.

Last night, I barely got a chance to look around. The layover and plane ride took a lot out of me. Today, I pull open the blinds and do a lap around the bedroom, bathroom, living area, and kitchen to get a lay of the land. It’s simple, which I like. I’ve been put up in a lot of luxury hotels and condos over the last decade or so, and there’s something incredibly disjointing about them after a while.

Here, I feel the ghost of home.

My phone rings. I was expecting Jamie to reach out, but not until tonight. Hoping it’s a good sign, I swipe my screen and put it to my ear.

“Hey, man,” I say. “Everything good?”

“Yeah, just checking on you.”

Jamie has one of those classic country cigarette voices, even worse in the morning. He probably could’ve done his own album if he weren’t so tied up with representing other artists.

“I’m good. This place is nice,” I say, looking through the narrow kitchen window at the barn by the house. “Did you have that meeting with Orsen?”