Page 104

“So different from last time, isn’t it?” he murmured, his breath hot in my ear. It sent shivers down my spine.

“I bet I smell a lot better, don’t I?” I meant the comment to seem lighthearted, but my voice was strained, the intense emotions still roiling through me.

He chuckled, the sound rumbling through his chest behind me. Gods, he was everywhere. I wanted to bathe in his scent, to wrap myself completely around him.

Alaric nudged Onyx forward, and we trotted out the stables. The cool night air swirled around me, whipping at my face and hair as we made our way down the road. Only a handful of Mages were out at this hour, and I wondered if it was close to the Falling. Perhaps everyone was getting ready to sleep.

Onyx lengthened his stride until we were galloping. The dark trees became a blur, and my eyes stung as the wind intensified. Alaric’s arms tightened around me, and I shifted backwards until I was nestled perfectly between his legs. His thighs pressed against me, and I could feel him along my backside. He made a low grumbling sound, something between a growl and a purr. My skin pebbled as every ounce of me reacted to that sound. Heat blazed within me, a desperate inferno that yearned to be unleashed.

I wanted to grind against him, to elicit more feral sounds from him. But somehow, turning around to straddle Alaric while atop a galloping horse didn’t seem like the best idea.

We continued down the road, and I wondered if we would take it all the way to the cliffs where the Oracle was. I shuddered at the thought.

But just before we reached the field of wild grass, Alaric urged Onyx to the right. The horse took a narrow path that descended down the cliffside, our pace slowing significantly as we navigated downward. The sound of rushing waves met my ears, and the strong, briny sea air filled my nose.

We reached the bottom, and my jaw dropped. Before us lay the vast and endless ocean, waves lapping along the sandy shore. Alaric was already dismounting, his hands reaching for me. I gripped his arms as he carefully lowered me from the saddle. My eyes were fixed on the rushing waters, the churning heat inside me yearning to crash just as the waves did on the rocks.

Alaric tied Onyx’s reins to a small tree by the rocks, then turned to face me. He gestured to the waters. “You can scream all you wish here. Don’t hold back. I’ll even scream with you, if you want.”

I offered him a small smile, somewhat enjoying the idea of him shouting at my side. I scanned the sandy beach that lined the cliffside, realizing we were completely alone. “Do you come here often?”

Alaric nodded. “It’s a good place to escape. To be alone, to think, or, as you put it, to unleash everything.”

I chuckled once, my throat feeling tight with emotion. The roaring waters seemed to both soothe and agitate me all at once. Like the beast inside me loved the water but was now even more desperate to be set free.

I inched closer to the lapping waves, kicking off my sandals and burying my feet in the sand. For several long moments, I stood there, letting the tide roll in and the cool water tickle my toes.

“She took everything from me, Alaric,” I said, shaking my head, my gaze still fixed on the sea. “Things I’ll never get back. My life… my entire life was stolen. I could have had my father, but she took him from me. I could have had the truth, but she took that from me, too. She robbed me of my identity, my past, and… my love. She took my love—a love based on lies and deceit. A love she didn’t deserve at all.”

Alaric nodded, his gaze solemn. He stood there, stoic and watchful like the soldier he was.

I exhaled an angry breath, my fingers curling into fists so tightly that my fingernails dug grooves into my palms. “And I’ll never get closure because she’s dead. I’ll never get to tell her what a despicable person she was or how evil she was or how I wish I could erase her from my memory.” I shook my head, my face crumpling as I wept again. “And yet—and yet, she never starved me or cut me open or beat me. I always had food and a bed and clothes. I… I had a life. I felt loved. She took care of me in her own twisted way. So a part of me feels selfish for hating her because it could have been so much worse. I could have been chained up like my father.”

I whirled to face Alaric, frustration building inside me. “But isn’t that maddening? That I’m worried I sound ungrateful just because my basic needs were met.” I huffed an angry laugh. “And that’s just like Elvira, to manipulate me into thinking that any ill will toward her isn’t warranted. Just because she had enough kindness in her black heart to actually provide for me doesn’t change the fact that she was a vile monster.”

Alaric only watched me, his dark eyes brimming with sorrow. He stood there, unmoving.

For some reason, his lack of response only fueled the fire within me. I spread my arms and tilted my head toward the sky. A wild, piercing scream burst from my lips, rattling my chest and rumbling through my entire body. The churning ocean seemed to swallow up the sound. “And even after all that, after everything I’ve found out about her, a part of me still loves her!” A hysterical laugh bubbled up my throat. “Isn’t that insane?”

“She was your family,” Alaric said. “The only family you knew. She raised you. Of course you loved her.”

“But I don’t want to love her!” I roared. “How can I love a monster? How can part of me still wish she were alive? The life she gave me was a complete lie! Everything I’ve known, everything I believed to be true… Do you have any idea how much I wish I could have known my father? He was a Wolven Mage. I could have been raised by him, taught about his culture and his people. All the prejudices I had about Mages, all the things I didn’t know…” I let out another shout of fury. “She taught me to despise you, to fear you!” I jabbed a finger toward Alaric. “Hell, I even thought you had killed her, and I hated you for it!”

“I know,” Alaric said softly.

“Stop doing that!” I shrieked, storming toward him and shoving him in the chest. My hands met nothing but hard muscle, and he didn’t even flinch. “Stop being so calm! You should be angry, just like me!”

“I am, Cerise.”

“Then, show me! Doesn’t this infuriate you? How am I the only one bursting with rage right now?”

Alaric sighed, his brows knitting together as he, too, stared into the ocean. “I am angry. I’m angry that Elvira robbed you of a loving family and that she lied about your heritage. I’m angry that she imprisoned and tortured one of my kind, prolonging his misery until he ruptured. His soul was torn apart and he will never know peace now. After everything he endured, he—he will never be at rest.” He swallowed, his throat bobbing as moisture shone in his eyes. “And to know that he was your father, it…” He broke off, a muscle flexing in his jaw.

I blinked rapidly, but I couldn’t stop the moisture from spilling over. My father was suffering eternal torment because the wolf and the man within him were disconnected. Death had not been a release for him—it had only prolonged his anguish.

And there was nothing I could do for him.

“Why?” I cried, running my hands through my hair. Restless energy surged through me, and I started pacing in the sand. My body had to move, had to do something. “Why am I so damn helpless? Why can’t I save anyone? Why can’t I fix this?” My voice broke, a scream tearing through my throat. “I just—I am nothing. Elvira made sure of that. She made sure I was helpless and weak and couldn’t do shit. She ensured I was worthless without her. And now that she’s gone, I don’t even know who I am anymore! I’m… I’m an imposter. I’m a mutant. An experiment.” I burst into tears and fell to my knees in the sand, tortured sobs ripping through me.