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“Feels like I’m leading you on, I guess.” It was mostly true. I was feeling guilty about that, but it took a back seat compared to what I had done as the STM grant owner. “Kind of like pretending we’re living a life we won’t have.”

Jade’s single-word reply hit me in the center of the chest. “Yeah.”

“We could stop if we think it would be easier.”

“Nothing about this is going to be easier.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her glance at me. It was a similar expression to what she’d had the first time I left, when she would watch me when she thought I wasn’t looking. It had that same hope that I’d wound up having to crush.

It felt worse this time, though. Back then, I’d been sure the city was for me. Now, I knew better. I had other things that made it so that I couldn’t stay. I could still hear Alice’s excitement when she told me about the private school she’d gotten the girls into.

It seemed the guilt would eat me alive either way.

“I’m sorry. I almost wish I hadn’t made a move.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Hey, I said almost. I don’t fully regret it. This is just hard.”

All I could do was nod. There were far too many things running through my mind. All of which I wondered if Jade would catch.

We were saved by all the kids coming out of the school at the same time. Whatever we were talking about before was put on hold as we waited for the girls to see my car.

Agnes and Beatrice both ran to us with smiles on their faces. They had a project in hand that they’d done with Nicole, and they were proud of it.

It wasn’t lost on me that both of them were doing well here.

Things really had changed ever since I offered to help.

It only added to the guilt.

I managed to be brave up until it was time for bed. I thought that I would get lucky and Jade would lie down without question.

I should have known better.

“If you sleepwalked like me, you’d be exploring all of the town.”

“I know.”

“Wanna talk?”

There was a part of me that wanted to crack open every secret I kept. To get it all out in the open and say everything I’d done and everything I was thinking of.

Would it blow things up right before I had to go? Would it end the same way that I left the first time?

I was terrified of making the same mistakes, but it almost felt like I was trapped. Forced to play it safe or risk messing it all up once again.

“I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” I settled for being safe.

Jade’s smile was tight, and I knew she was hoping that I would say more.

“I get it. Want to sleep on it?”

“Yeah. That would be good.”

I pulled her into my arms, trying to let go of all my thoughts. Jade fell asleep quickly, but I lay awake in the dark room, wondering if I was playing it safe, or if I was being a coward.

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