Page 167

“I’m . . . It was bad. I should’ve told you. But I was scared.”

Bennett’s arms, loose at his sides with his massive hands resting on the curve of my waist, suddenly lift and disappear. The lack of his weighted touch fills me with a rush of anxiety.

“P,” he says, the singular letter nearly a gasp. “I’m—god. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—If I’d known, I would’ve never—”

“I know,” I say, quieting him, turning to kneel between his spread legs. “I don’t blame you. I just needed you to know everything. I needed you to understand why I pushed you away that night. I’m sorry I hurt you. It hurt me, too.”

A strange smile etches across my face, but it’s real and warm. I feel a little lighter now as I look at Bennett—the stubble across his cheeks, his disheveled curls, the depths of blue ocean water in his eyes. He’s older now, but I can see him at eighteen, eyes just as bright with wonder as I lean in to kiss his mouth slowly.

“I think for a long time I just wanted to know that someone cared if I was alive,” I say. “And I was scared because I felt alone. I was worried if you knew—about Ethan, about my past—I’d lose the one person in this world who cared about me.”

“You’re never going to be alone again, okay?” He presses a kiss to my temple. “I care about you. My dad, Alessia, Lily, Sadie, Toren, Rhys, Freddy, Ro, Holden, Coach Harris, Seven—they all care about you. You’re important to so many people.” He keeps his hands on my face, pulling me forward to look into his beseeching gaze. It’s desperation in his voice when he begs, “Tell me you understand.”

I nod.

Bennett shakes his head, the scruff of his five-o’clock shadow scraping over my forehead. “Say it, Paloma. Tell me that you’re important.” His voice is all dominating seriousness.

“I’m important.”

“Tell me that you are loved.” He says it adamantly, with a ferociousness I can’t say I’ve seen in him before.

“I’m loved.”

“Tell me that you know how much I care about you.” He gasps a breath, eyes welling. “That I couldn’t do this life without knowing you’re alive and safe and okay. That you are the greatest love I’ve ever known and ever will know. That your kindness, gentleness, love—it saved me before you even knew me. Tell me you know.”

“I do,” I breathe, pulling him closer, holding him tighter. He grips me the same, until I cannot tell where I end and he begins.

Time passes slowly. Bennett gathers me somehow closer, his hands in my hair starting to quiet my mind—the exhaustion I’d already felt leaving the police station renewed tenfold. My eyes feel as heavy as my body in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my skin, leaving passionate, forceful kisses behind—as if trying to mark me. “I’m sorry. I failed you. I won’t let it happen again.”

He’s saying something wrong—something important—but my eyes are weary now that I’ve found a moment of peace.

I mutter something about feeling so tired, so sleepy, to him. He quiets his own words, petting my hair and slowly maneuvering us to lay flat. I’m asleep before I can hear whatever he says next.

Chapter 72

NOW

Bennett

I don’t sleep.

My dad is in the kitchen when I come downstairs, head bent over his phone, laptop open. I’m almost sure he never went to sleep. He’s wearing his glasses, which he only wears when his eyes are irritated.

“Bennett,” he says, eyes snapping up at the sound of my entrance. “You okay?”

“Fine,” I slip the word out, just barely.

He nods, eyes darting back down to the papers in front of him as I ask, “Did you know? About Ethan. Is that why you never liked him?”

My dad heaves a sigh, his features sinking in exhaustion. He’s always looked young and vibrant to me, but now he seems older. Serious in a way I haven’t seen in a long time.

“Not exactly. I didn’t know everything for sure, but I had a gut feeling about him. That—and a few of my early interactions with Paloma . . . she seemed scared of me.”

Another thing I missed.

“Are those all about Paloma?” I ask, gesturing to the brown manila folders spread and stacked precariously across the countertop that he’s set up as his workspace. I wonder briefly why he’s not in his office.