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There’s a moment where it feels like I’m being hunted, chest tight—just from the sound of his name. “No. It’s— I can’t—”
“Breathe,” Alessia says, her voice tethering me. “It’s all right. I’ll take care of it, okay? Now, let’s run the gamut. You’ve got money for food?”
“Yes.”
“Have all your things or do you need someone to help you move?”
“I have it all in my car; it’s still at the lot.”
“Okay. Leave this with me, all right?” Her voice is calm and soothing in the same way it was when I was seventeen, sitting in her office with a small bag of my things, scared and crying. “I’ll take care of everything. Do you want me to come get you?”
“I’m okay.” As torturous as it might feel to be in this house with him, there is safety in knowing he’s here. That nothing will happen to me.
“Okay, Paloma.” She breathes, and I listen to the sound like a soft lullaby. “Take care of yourself today and I’ll call you to check in tonight, yeah?”
“Okay.”
I hang up before she can say anything else, or before I can break down in tears.
I sit in the spare room with the assurance from Sadie that she’ll only say a friend of hers needed a bed for the night—and that Freddy wouldn’t say anything either. I’d begged them both to keep my name out of it. Though they don’t know why.
Gripping the velveteen rabbit I’ve kept nearby since I was six years old, I take comfort in the plush for the first time in years—the first time I’ve allowed myself to. My stomach growls and I search my backpack for a breakfast bar I know has been stashed in there for a while.
“Chicken nuggets? Really?” I can almost hear his voice, almost see the grimace. “I said I could make you anything and that’s your pick?”
I remember my blush, warm over my cheeks as I nodded with a self-conscious laugh.
“Yes, please. With spicy ketchup.”
His laugh was loud, more open than usual as he played lightly with a few strands of my hair. “All right. Anything for you, P.”
It would be so easy. I wouldn’t even need the usual Walk me home? text. I could slip into the room down the hall from me, the one that smells like clean sheets and sandalwood, with the lamplight on for me to sleep. He’d offer to run me a bath, braid my hair, feed me, take care of me.
If you cut open my skin, I think his name would be written across my veins, branded on the actual muscle of my heart. And I’d bleed for him over and over to keep him away from me, from the horrid, disgusting girl I became.
Still, I let the Bennett Reiner of my imagination lull me as I step into the unfamiliar bathroom to wash off.
Chapter 8
NOW
Bennett
The next morning, I start on the coffee and my own breakfast. It’s a Tuesday, which means Ro is already awake and dressed when I come down, working on her computer at the counter. Our only other morning companion is usually Oliver, though it’s a school day so he won’t be here.
It’s only quiet for twenty minutes before Freddy comes down in his boxers, half-asleep and looking for his girlfriend. I take the opportunity to step away and dress upstairs, grabbing my things.
Freddy’s still in his boxers when I come back downstairs, though his girlfriend is quietly begging him to go up and change before they’re late. He only concedes after a kiss that feels inappropriate to be privy to.
Sadie and Rhys come down soon after, both dressed and quietly talking over something that must be upsetting Rhys, going off the look on his face. My shoulders tense; the need to help is almost overwhelming—before it sinks away to nothing as Sadie stops Rhys and smooths her fingers over the dip in his brow, kissing him heartily.
He has Sadie. She’s helped him more than you ever did. He doesn’t need you—
I close my eyes briefly, taking a few long breaths.
We’re all in the kitchen; the noise is loud but it feels right. Turnover plays from the speakers in the corner and most everyone grabs something off the breakfast platter I’ve prepared.
When the house is loud like this, warm and vibrant, I think of her most. The pain of missing her hits me hardest in the shower, when the water sluices over my skin and she’s not there. But when I’m with my friends—my family—my mind floats into dreams.
