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By the mountain gods, Abby’s voice on the phone late at night was the stuff of fantasies. The way she said my name in that husky, sexy, half-asleep way made me instantly hard even though she was clearly displeased at the hour of my call. Actually, that faint displeasure was just as sexy as her voice.

After we disconnected the call I thought about Abby’s advice and consulted the notes I’d written on the tiny pad of paper the hotel had provided next to the large phone that was connected to the wall with a thick plastic string. I needed to say something amusing that would make fun of Dylan Emmet, but wasn’t mean. Glancing over I saw Pfton was on his back, completely naked with his hand-axe pointing toward the ceiling. Posting a picture of that would be very funny, but it broke one of Abby’s rules. And even if I managed to keep his hand-axe out of the video, his snoring was so loud I doubted anyone would hear what I was saying. So instead I got out of bed, went into the bathroom, and closed the door.

The self-picture I’d taken earlier had been by accident, and I couldn’t seem to get the camera to reverse again. Luckily I found that if I pointed the phone toward the mirror, I could get the same effect. Normally I also slept without clothing, but tonight I still wore underwear which meant I was not breaking Abby’s rule. Pressing the record button, I smiled into the mirror.

“Dylan Emmet. I read that lily-flowers are appropriate for a funeral. Even though you are not dead, you play hockey like a corpse. Maybe the hot sauce will revive you. Best wishes, and get well soon.”

After I’d posted the video to TikTok, I took a picture of me with my arm outstretched and posted it to Instagram with the caption “The arm that took down Dylan Emmet”.

Then I went to bed, knowing that we had an early morning, a long drive, and many more bus rides and games until I could see Abby again. I hoped my social media posts met with her approval. I hoped they went viral. I hoped that for once in my life there was something I wasn’t a failure at.

The next morning I discovered that my attempts were successful at increasing engaged-humans, although I wasn’t sure the shares, likes, and comments met the threshold of what it took to be viral. My follower count on TikTok had doubled. Many of the shares involved a split-screen video with the other person drinking a large beverage. Some had arrows pointed to my underwear. One had a box on the shelf behind me circled in red, then a close-up of that box with a wide-eyed emoji and several exclamation marks. The comments were flattering, although quite a few accused me of having a sick burn. I wasn’t sure what the human obsession was with combustibles and fire, but I assured everyone that I had not burned myself and was in excellent health.

By lunch I was happy to see that Dylan Emmet had posted a video and image of his own and tagged me, the Tusks, and the Blackhawks.

“Corpse? From the guy who spends more time sprawled across the ice than up on his skates? From the orc that skates slower than a hibernating sloth? I hope you ordered some of that hot sauce for yourself, because you need it. I’m looking forward to kicking your ass once more the next time we are on the ice together.”

I was so delighted. He was absolutely right about my lack of skating ability, and about the prediction of besting us in our next game. But behind the menacing scowl, I could see Dylan Emmet was smiling with his eyes.

Searching the internet to learn how to reverse my camera lens, I had to wait until we arrived at our hotel to find a place quiet enough to film a video - which happened to be next to the dumpster at the back of the hotel.

“Sloths do not hibernate. They live in warm climates with a consistent supply of food, so there is no need for them to store fat for a cold winter. Their low metabolism is an advantages given their diet, and their slow movements help hide them from predators. They are admirable creatures well adapted to their environment. And you would know these things if you hadn’t suffered extensive brain loss from skating into my arm.”

A few hours later I got a text from Abby.

Abby: Seriously? I’m afraid to ask why you have a box of XL condoms on the shelf in your hotel bathroom. That and the fact that your underwear doesn’t do much to hide your package have fueled a lot of comments and speculation.

Package? Did humans use their underwear as pockets? Orcs didn’t, so there had been no packages in my underwear during the video or at any other time.

Bwat: Was the engagement number enough to be viral? I really want to be viral.

Abby: Pretty close to viral on TikTok. Good reach on Instagram, but not viral.

Bwat: That is good, yes? I should do more videos with only my underwear on and boxes of the no-baby sheaths in the background?

Abby: While I appreciate nudity as much as the next girl, I’m not sure it’s where you want to go as far as branding. That and the condoms make you seem like you’re all about sex and a good time. Again, not a problem. No judgment here, bud. It’s just the shoe video and the room video have a more wholesome vibe. They’re contradictory. Are you a kind and gentle orc here to find forever love, or a spicy dude looking for a good time?

I wasn’t sure what some of those words meant. The words themselves weren’t the problem. I just had the feeling that how Abby was using them meant something different than what the translation app had told me.

Bwat: Orcs do not have the rules or concern about nudity like humans do. While a female orc might admire her mate’s hand-axe, she would not worry or pay more than casual attention to seeing another’s hand-axe. I am a kind and gentle orc. I also enjoy spicy food. Are the two not compatible?

Abby replied with a laughing face that had tears.

Abby: You can be both kind, gentle, and spicy. I just wanted to make sure you understand the impact and how these are generally two different brands. But unconsciously spicy can work. As long as Swamp Woman isn’t offended by the public spiciness.

I frowned, wishing we were in a room together where communication was not so difficult.

Bwat: Swamp Woman? Who is the Swamp Woman and why would she be offended by spicy food eaten in a public place?

Abby: Never mind. But I am curious why you have a box of condoms in your hotel bathroom. I get the XL size –that’s kind of obvious. I didn’t think you all would be concerned about STDs and that pregnancy was something you wouldn’t want to avoid.

I had to run some of those words through the translation application, and then through the Google before I replied.

Bwat: Orcs do not catch disease often, but the plague showed us we can become ill and die. There may be human illnesses that would harm us. And while I would be very happy to have offspring, I want them with a female I love that loves me back. That love has to happen before a baby.

There were lots of appearing and vanishing dots on my phone screen before Abby finally replied.

Abby: Understood. I’m glad you had the sense to buy yourself some, although I’m not thrilled about you sleeping with random humans.