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After an overly eventful first weekend back, things quickly settled into a calmer routine. For Elizabeth that meant that she retreated to her small bedroom and quietly read. She did not believe it was a long term solution but it helped reduce the tension at Longbourn. She had long conversations with Mary, Jane and Charlotte Lucas repeatedly over the next three weeks. Elizabeth tried to be more of a listener than talker, letting the other three start to fill in the blanks of her local knowledge. When she did talk she was able to direct their attention to her having been the mistress of a house.

“You had a lot of freedom.”

Charlotte’s choice of word was interesting, especially as the opening comment.

“I can see why you would think that. I do not think at the time that is how I would have described it. The situation was daunting and I relied on so many people to help me.”

“Listening to you, and hearing the stories from Mary when she returned from her trips, I understand why you thought that. But I suppose I was meaning that you had no one to second guess you.”

Jane nodded and followed on from Charlotte’s response.

“You were the mistress, the lady in charge.”

“That is true but I never felt alone. Remember Uncle Gardiner was in the house with me six days out of seven, and I was with him at his offices and warehouse on the other day. He might not have interfered but his presence was a comfort. But the key thing was the Gardiner’s had hired good staff. From the housekeeper Mrs. Brewer, to the Cook, to the nurse, even to the coachman, they all stepped up and helped me, helped the family.”

None of the other three belaboured the point, Elizabeth was always going to deflect credit to others. Mary changed the subject to a topic that Elizabeth herself had been constantly been thinking about.

“What are you going to do now, Lizzie?”

“If only I knew Mary, if only I knew. I have only been back here in Hertfordshire mere days. I do not think it prudent to rush into anything. I will spend time with family and friends.”

Here she reached out and grasped each of their hands.

“I am going to spend time with Aunt and Uncle Philips, I will ask if I can spend most of a day with them. If they are agreeable then I will walk into Meryton and Uncle Philips can give me a ride back in his gig at the end of the day. Since the start of this year I had introduced Angela and Rebecca to the stillroom at Gracechurch Street. Of course we had to buy the flowers and plants but it was fun to start to teach them the basics. Now that I am back here in the country I will have to brush up on my skills, as I have not had the opportunity to prepare some of the restoratives. Between all of that, my reading and general visits I should have no trouble filling my days.”

Jane and Charlotte did not appear to pick up on what Elizabeth had mentioned but Mary had to stifle a smile. For a young woman whose first response was ‘if only I knew’, Elizabeth had filled her week with little difficulty.

Charlotte and Jane however, had a different topic they wanted to discuss, but only between themselves.

--

“When did Eliza change?”

“What do you mean Charlotte?”

“Surely you can see it Jane. Eliza has changed since she went to live in London.”

Jane and Charlotte were sitting on a bench at the end of the garden at Lucas Lodge. They were in sight, just, of the house but they had privacy to talk. Jane was confused by her friend’s line of questioning.

“Charlotte, it has been more than four years since Lizzie went to stay at Gracechurch street. She is now 20, I would be more surprised if she had not changed.”

“I am sorry Jane, I am not being clear. Of course Eliza has grown up, she has been the mistress of your uncle’s house all that time. She has experienced what neither you nor I have yet managed, running her own home. What I was asking you was about her, well feelings I guess. Maybe even her dreams.”

Jane’s smooth forehead was marred by creases as she still sat confused at Charlotte’s side.

“I am doing no better. Let me see if I can explain more clearly. Remember back to ’07, I was already 23 years old while you were 18 and Eliza was 16. The two of you talked to me about love, what was the phrase? You would only marry for ‘the deepest love’, yes?”

Jane nodded.

“Both you and Eliza took me to task for being much more practical and that I should consider love when thinking about a future husband. Here we are at the end of the summer of ’11 and neither of us has changed. You are still romantic, wanting love, and I am now firmly on the shelf and want to stop being a burden to my family. For me it is also about escaping, getting a little freedom. Eliza invited me to visit her in London, and did so several times a year ever since she went there, yet I was never allowed by my parents, well really by my mother.”

Charlotte lowered her head and spoke the next part quietly.

“I have found myself being jealous of Eliza’s good fortune.”

She heard Jane’s gasp but did not look up.

“I know, I know, the circumstances are terrible and tragic. But Jane it did not stop me in moments of weakness of wishing that something like that would happen to me. It is only occasionally but I have had those thoughts.”