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Yes, I was expecting it. That did nothing to take the sting out of its tail.

I sucked in a breath and she rolled her eyes. To her, this was just dramatics. Just futile mortal emotion. Silly little feelings that would die in my chest along with the heart that would eventually stop beating.

She sighed. ‘Look, you can stay until the end of the par⁠—’

I shake my head, trying everything within my will not to let my tears fall. ‘That’s okay. I’ll get going. I’m, uh.’ I smack my lips. ‘I’m actually really very busy.’

‘You are?’ she says, relieved. She’s off the hook.

‘Yeah, I um, have an appointment with a wizard who’s super interested in my feet, so I’ve got a lot going on.’

She huffs a laugh. A little crease in the corner of her eyes lets me know it’s the real deal. I look to it like a lifeline. It’s not enough to keep me afloat. I’m amusing, but I’m not enough. I’m never enough.

Tilly’s form fades and morphs into someone else, a year-long office fling. It happens so fast it gives me whiplash.

‘You’re fun, Miller. But you’re temporary. Where did you think this was going?’

His warm-brown eyes scrunch in confusion. The mist shifts, pulls and contorts.

Crimson eyes, dark and ominous stare back at me. A stranger on a long walk home. ‘What harm is a taste? You don’t mind, do you? You’re so sad and I could help. I could take away that pain. All that delicious, heavy pain, waiting to be sampled.’

I pull away. ‘No, no thank you,’ I stutter and run back for the flats, back to the apartment I’d rented so I could be closer. Back to where it’d been lonely, but at least it was safe. We all know who wins in a running race between a mortal and a demon.

‘I’ll be quick,’ he says, and the sound of it makes me want to gag. His lips touch my neck. And then I’m lying flat on my back. Sounds from machines beep around me. Chatter from the hall through an open door somewhere. Footsteps approach.

Tilly again. This time at my bedside, with large shades covering her eyes and the majority of her face. ‘Was this to make me feel guilty or something for the other night?’ she hisses, but I’m still groggy from the hospital drugs. Three days under, I almost died twice, they say. I can hardly think. ‘This is the last time I come to bail you out from your shit, Miller. Fuck, you’re a mess. Pull yourself together,’ she snipes and stands. My tongue is too heavy to lift, let alone speak. Let alone call for her to come back.

‘I know you’re a fan, but I’ve always thought she’s a shitty actress.’

‘Walker, what are you—’ My head shakes. My hands do, too. Everything is shaking. It’s all moving without my control. More scenes, more voices ambush me. ‘I can’t get out, I don’t know what this is or where I am, but I can’t escape them and they’re all – they’re all here for me but they don’t want me.’ I can’t stop. Nothing will stop. It’ll always be this way. It’ll always be this way. And I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate this aging body I’m stuck in, I hate this head, this voice, this name, I hate me. I hate that they always leave and that I’m not good enough to love, but what I hate most is that I’m always left with me.

As if their voices were a physical force, I snatched them from the air and twisted and bound them altogether into a tight ball. I held on for dear life, trying to suppress their accusations, trying to push them down, down, down, to the underbelly of my soul to where I wouldn’t have to face them. But still they found me, and still they hurt.

I scream and curl myself into a ball. I cover my ears, and rock and cry. But they’re still so loud. So I scream again. I can still hear them all. They’re a part of me. They live in me. They’re trapped inside my head, and I can’t get them out.

‘Miller, you need to let go!’

What? No! I can’t let go! They’ll get loose. All those memories – they’ll be free to torment me. And I can’t.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!

‘You have to let them go, Miller,’ he says now, more sternly.

‘No.’ I shake. ‘It’ll hurt.’

He looks at me like he’s reasoning with a toddler. ‘It’s hurting you now.’

‘Well, it’ll hurt worse!’ I snap.

Walker squats until he’s eye level with me. But I won’t look at him. I can feel him burning a hole in the top of my head, but I just can’t face his wrath. Not today. Not now.

But then I hear him shift closer.

‘Maybe,’ he says, voice softening. And the gentle quality his tone has taken is so deeply unlike him, it coaxes me to look up at him through damp lashes. In his eyes I see no malice. ‘Maybe for a little bit. But half the pain you’re feeling is fear. And you want to know something about fear, Miller? Fear loses its footing when you confront it. But that means you have to stop burying it. It means you stop hiding. You hear it, you face it, and then you let it go.’

‘I can’t!’

‘Yes, you can. I know you can.’